DMF joke thread

[minnesotamonster]

 

Not funny.

Next.

[muskrat]

 
sadistically funny

[Desert Dust]

A young married couple wants to be certain that their afterlife will be spent together in Heaven.

After consulting their priest, he tells them that all they have to do is refrain from sexual activity for 30 days.

For 29 days the couple has been successfully abstaining from all sexual activity. 

However, on the 29th day, they enter their local Ducati dealer's shop and the husband accidentally drops his wallet on the floor. His loyal wife bends over to pick it up, but the temptation is too much and the husband indulges himself in the fruits of his wife's loins, right in the middle of the Ducati dealer's showroom floor.

On the thirtieth day, the young couple report their misdeed to the priest, who replies, "I'm sorry, but I can't let you into Heaven."

Husband: "That's OK, we can't go to the Ducati dealer anymore either."   

[ducpainter]

Not funny.

Next.

couldn't agree more

[superjohn]

Courtesy of Lemmy

A police officer rounds the corner in his patrol of a particularly unsavory area of the city to find a small boy looking around.

The officer says, "Son, you shouldn't be out at this time of night. What are you doing?"
The boy answers, " I'm looking to get me a prostitute"
Somewhat amused, the officer replies, "Now son, what would you want with a prostitute?"
"I want to get a disease," replied the boy.
"What?", says the Officer.
"I want to get a sexually transmitted disease."

The officer is now floored. He can't believe what he's hearing from such a young lad.
"Why on Earth would you want to get a sexually transmitted disease?", he asks.

"Well," says the boy, "if I get a disease, I can go home and make the beast with two backs the babysitter and she'll get it. Then she'll make the beast with two backs my Dad and he'll get it. He'll make the beast with two backs my Mom and she'll get it and then she'll give it to the gardner and he's the Brian W I'm really after because he squashed my frog."

[ducpainter]

 

[eltristo]

"...he squashed my frog."

 

[muskrat]

So Boudreaux asks Thibodaux :  "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways off dem boats?"
 
To which Thibodaux replies:  "You dumb Coon-ass - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de' boat."

[Desert Dust]

A five year old boy asks his mother, "Where do babies come from?"

Mother: "A stork brings them."

Five year old boy: "who makes the beast with two backs with the stork?" 

[ducpainter]

he's on a roll tonight...

[tcspeedfreak]

may be a repeat but oh well

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'..

[NuTTs]

may be a repeat but oh well

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'..

That´s evil and funny 

[ducpainter]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.


The first little boy says, "Alligator."
 
"Very good, that's a big word."
 
The second boy says, "Predator."
 
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
 

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator "
 
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."


"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

 

[ducpainter]

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

[junior varsity]

batteries! hahahahahaha hahahaha hahahaha