DMF joke thread

[Desmostro]

A-  I'd bet you're a natural blond aren't you?

B-  Actually if I stand on my head I'm a natural brunette with really good breath.

[angler]

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please..

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the  liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Oldfisti]

^^^^^   



One bitterly cold winter's day, a police patrolman came across
a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet,
stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen." was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't."

"OK. Watch and I'll show you."

The patrolman lubricated the carburetor as promised. The bike
started and the rider drove off waving. A few days later, the
patrol captain received a note of thanks from the father of the
motorcycle rider. It began:


"On behalf of my daughter who recently was stranded . . . "

[Monsterlover]

awesome

[sno_duc]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. 
 I  studied hard and got good grades. 

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the   ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing 
 
 

 

[Desert Dust]

^^^^^^^^^^  VD took away his johnson! 

[triangleforge]

Ole & Sven were out on Leech Lake jigging for walleye one fine summer afternoon. They'd knocked back a Grain Belt or six and were feelin' pretty good. Outta the corner of his eye, Ole watches Sven lean back with a big ol' drunk smile on his face... back... back... and SPLOOSH! Sven goes over da side.

Ole grabs his walleye rig and starts jigging for all he's worth and after a couple of minutes snags something big and hauls him into da boat.

"Aw, Jeez, Sven -- you ain't breathin' none! Don't tell nobody down at the bar, but I'm gonna hafta give ya the artificial recitation!"

Ole draws a deep breath and blows as hard as he can, again and again.

"I tell ya , Sven, you musta got into some bad pickles der, 'cause I never smelled such ripe breath. And hey, I don't remember you wearin' dis here snowmobile suit when you went over da side..."

[Monsterlover]

eww

[NorDog]

A priest, a polar bear, and a lesbian walk into a bar.

The bartender looked at them as said, "What is this some kinda joke?"

[akmnstr]

A few more Texas jokes!

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn....

He promptly called the local police station.

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.  Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,..."Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, .....but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."

[akmnstr]

Difference Between Yankee Zoo & Texas Zoo

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

[akmnstr]

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bra. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

[akmnstr]

When LBJ died and went to heaven he refused to go through the pearly gates until the boss came out and answered a question.... The boss comes out. LBJ says: "I want to know one thing, and I want to know it right now. Why wasn't Jesus Christ born a Texan? The world would have been a much better place if Jesus Christ had been a Texan. God said (try this with a yiddish accent): "Lyndon, Lyndon, Lyndon. What can I tell you? Texas was our first choice. But we couldn't find three wise men or a virgin!"

[akmnstr]

I'll make this my last one for a while.  But, ya gotta luv Texas.  Only here could this happen

In Fort Worth at a crowded bus stop near the stock yards, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. .

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step..

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. .

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!".

At this the Texan tipped his hat and drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[angler]

Four worms and a lesson:

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service . .