DMF joke thread

[Desert Dust]

^^^^^^^ I don't have worms

[Monsterlover]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[NorDog]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

Debating whether or not to share this one with my wife.   

[Monsterlover]

Do it

[fastwin]

It's going to my wife Norris so you might as well get in trouble too!

[kopfjäger]

Affair with an Older Woman
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well, more than a bit)
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a “Sportsman’s doubt?”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
“Oh.” I said as my mind began to embrace the idea “No, I haven’t.”
I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that
tonight was “my lucky night.”
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
“Mom, you still awake?”

[NAKID]

Affair with an Older Woman
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well, more than a bit)
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a “Sportsman’s doubt?”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
“Oh.” I said as my mind began to embrace the idea “No, I haven’t.”
I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that
tonight was “my lucky night.”
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
“Mom, you still awake?”

[junior varsity]

bahaha

[swampduc]

 
 
 

[fastwin]

That's funny as sh#t! Didn't see that punch line coming at all! I'll be spreading that one around to all my friends.

[Goat_Herder]

Stevie Wonder plays a concert in Tokyo.

At the end he asks if there are any requests and a Japanese man at the front shouts out:

"Play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie plays fifteen minutes perfect Harlem Jazz.

Then the same man shouts:

"No! Play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie says:

"If you can do better you come up here and have a go!!"

So the Japanese man sits at the piano, picks up the microphone and sings:























"A JAZZ CHORD..........TO SAY.............A RUV YOU.......!"

[swampduc]

 

[Desert Dust]

Stevie Wonder plays a concert in Tokyo.

At the end he asks if there are any requests and a Japanese man at the front shouts out:

"Play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie plays fifteen minutes perfect Harlem Jazz.

Then the same man shouts:

"No! Play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie says:

"If you can do better you come up here and have a go!!"

So the Japanese man sits at the piano, picks up the microphone and sings:


It took me a minute but I get it! 























"A JAZZ CHORD..........TO SAY.............A RUV YOU.......!"

[akmnstr]

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have enough time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife about the trip.

The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

The maid protests, but the lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous spouse and his/her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces the maid to do it, offering a hefty bonus as a reward. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, a dozen or so loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

[akmnstr]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circleflies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though."