DMF joke thread

[NorDog]

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have enough time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife about the trip.

The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

The maid protests, but the lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous spouse and his/her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces the maid to do it, offering a hefty bonus as a reward. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, a dozen or so loud thumps, and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

 

[sno_duc]

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in northern Ontario to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for'bear removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van..He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the home-owner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.' 'When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go.' 'The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the home-owner. 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the home-owner.



'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'



akmnstr #540 is the same joke as #48......Derby

[angler]

What is brown and rhymes with "snoop"













Dr Dre!

[angler]

If you believe that it is too soon for Haiti jokes, ignore the small print.  If you don't think it is too soon, hit quote to see full size.  Its not bad, but you've been warned.

Have you heard about the new Haitian boy band......New Blocks on the Kids.

[Porsche Monkey]

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians.  The Indian chief proclaims, "So you are the great Lone Ranger.  In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.  What is your first request?"  The Lone Ranger responds, "Id like to speak to my horse."  The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.  Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.  As the Indian chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The next morning the chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"  The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought to him again, and again he whispers in the horses ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the chiefs suprise, Silver returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.  The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed.  "You are a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.  What is your last request?"  The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."  The chief is curious but agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.  Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.  For the last time, BRING POSSEEEE."

[NorDog]

Three missionaries are in the middle of a jungle wilderness when they are captured by warriors of an unknown tribe.

The three are taken to the chief of the tribe who promptly declares, "You each must choose; either death or Gunga!"

The chief looks to the first missionary who is crying.  The chief asks, "What do you choose?"

The crying missionary says, "I'm not ready to die; I choose Gunga."

Immediately all the warriors pounce on the missionary and take him into a lodge where they all take turns raping him throught the night, the whole time crying out, "GUNGA! GUNGA!"

The next day the chief tells the second missionary, "Choose.  Death or Gunga?"

The second missionary is really upset at this point, but finally musters up the ability to say, "Gunga."

Once again the warriors pounce, take away their victim, and are heard yelling "GUNGA! GUNGA!" throughout the night.

The next day the last missionary is brought to the chief and is told to choose.

The last missionary stands tall and proclaims, "No one is going to rape me!  I choose death!"

The chief says, "Very well then.  DEATH BY GUNGA!"

[JEFF_H]

That joke reminds me of-
http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3548446745/

[Buckethead]

So many great lines from that episode.

"I never thought it would end this way, but I'd always really hoped."

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised."

And, of course,

"The most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."

[Monsterlover]

Futurama FTW

[Desert Dust]

Question: For all of you Northwesterners

Do you know what the difference is between a fairy tale and a logger's story?

A fairly tale starts out with, "Once upon a time."

A logger's story starts out with, "Now listen close, because this is no bullshit."
 

[erkishhorde]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

[DesmoDiva]

LOL!!   

[Monsterlover]

oh that's messed up

[Desert Dust]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

For me that's one for winter, one for summer, one for spring, and one for fall.

3 years worth 

[NorDog]

Condom joke from my tween years in the early '70s:

Kid: How much for a rubber?

Drug Store Clerk: One dollar.  A dollar and five cents with tax.

Kid: Tacks!  I though you just rolled them on!