DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

[ryandalling]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic
couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They
find themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them
into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven? When St.
Peter shows up, they ask him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find
out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months
pass and the couple is still waiting. As they
wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?'
they wondered. 'Are we stuck together
forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally
returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he
informs the couple,

'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out?
Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened
couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me
three months to find a priest up here! Do
you have any idea how long it'll take me to find
a lawyer?'

Derby     But still funny.

[NorDog]

So this lady comes up to me and asks, "Do you smoke after sex?"

I said, "WHAT?"

She said, "Do you smoke after sex?"

I said, "Hell, I don't know, I never looked."

[ducpainter]

Derby     But still funny.

i thought that looked familiar...

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg686768#msg686768

[r_ciao]

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER.....

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on
a night light, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we
opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
 

[ducpainter]

How it's done...telling a joke that is...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/26408631@N02/5227182863/#secretb88004bc1c

don't know why it didn't embed.

[erkishhorde]

Longer version:
Buddy Hackett - The Duck

[NorDog]

Rodney Dangerfield, man I loved that guy.

[ducpainter]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to  door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to  show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her  negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came  from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as IZ_ as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and  now I think I'm gonna ..
























































Get screwed out of my peaches....

[eltristo]

Ahh, the unending plight of the American farmer.

[ducpainter]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to  change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was an actual a lie detector.
 
At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John...

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said  Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you
Really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age,  I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said,  "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your  son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Monsterlover]

[Desert Dust]

The 4 Stages of a life of involvement with Santa Claus

Stage #1: You believe in Santa Claus

Stage #2: You don't believe in Santa Claus

Stage #3: You become Santa Claus

Stage #4: You look like Santa Claus

[FIFO]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope in New York between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is in Australia getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?





















Don't look down.

[ducpainter]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the ho use than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"