DMF joke thread

[ryandalling]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the ho use than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Funny, but still a derby. 

[ducpainter]

Funny, but still a derby. 

Link?

[Ddan]

Link?

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg285660#msg285660

[ducpainter]

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg285660#msg285660

OK then.

It's a derby...BFD.

[Ddan]

OK then.

It's a derby...BFD.

Don't tell me it's your turn with the feeling again

[ducpainter]

Don't tell me it's your turn with the feeling again

au contraire.

[ducpainter]

I’ve caught a stray parrot on my balcony.



All he says is, "good morning you old prick."

 

... ....does it belong to you? 

 

[Ddan]

 

You put him outside, if he's in my dooryard in the morning, he's mine, if not...   

[Buckethead]

If DP puts him outside right now, he's liable to end up with a macawcicle. Or a hole in his window and a bird on his mantle.

[Speedbag]

Little Johnny's neighbor had a new baby, but unfortunately it was born without ears.

On the way next door to visit the family, Little Johnny's dad is stern in reminding him not to say anything about the baby's ears.

Upon reaching the neighbor's, Little Johnny looks into the crib and says, "She has such beautiful eyes. Can she see?"

"Yes of course," says the father. "And she has perfect 20/20 vision."

"That's great," says Little Johnny, "because she'd be totally make the beast with two backsed if she needed glasses."

[sno_duc]

propably a derby or two, still funny though.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #6
>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight.
> 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
> 'What are my choices?'  John asked.
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
> opened his trench coat and flashed her.
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
> she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
> She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window.
> 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
> The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
> that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
> Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck
> gets wedged under it.
> Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally a police car comes up...
> The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
> hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
> 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
> tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
> injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
> no other excuses whatsoever!'
> A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
> 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
> and utter sexual exhaustion?'
> The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
> When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
> student, shook her head and sweetly said....
> 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband...
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
> me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect

[ducpainter]

propably a derby or two, still funny though.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #6
>
> It was mealtime during an airline flight.
> 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
> 'What are my choices?'  John asked.
> 'Yes or no,' she replied.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
> opened his trench coat and flashed her.
> Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #4
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
> she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
> She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
> The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #3
>
> The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
> speeding rolled down his window.
> 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
> The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
> without a ticket.
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER #2
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign
> that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
> Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck
> gets wedged under it.
> Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally a police car comes up...
> The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his
> hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
> The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
>
>
>
> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
> 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
> tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
> injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
> no other excuses whatsoever!'
> A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
> 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
> and utter sexual exhaustion?'
> The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
> When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the
> student, shook her head and sweetly said....
> 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
>
>
>
> A BONUS EXTRA
>
> A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband...
> 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
> me a compliment.'
> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect

That last one, the bonus, is still funny after all these years.

[ducpainter]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.  I asked them, 'If I sold
my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to
the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
 
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
 
By now I was starting to smile.  'Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
 
I was just bursting with pride for them.  I continued, 'Then how can I
get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
 
It's a curious race, the Irish.

[akmnstr]

A few things I've picked up since I moved to Texas

After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[akmnstr]

Love Texas women!

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.  He called her into office and said, ''You graduated from University of Texas and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" "Everything but my earrings."