DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

From: : Weather in MN-You think we have it bad..


I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota ..  He said that since early this morning the snow is already waist high and is still falling.  The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing all day but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
 
 

[akmnstr]

Out in Midland they take their football seriously, so when the college boy brought his out of state girlfriend to the homecoming game he knew it wouldn't last when it went like this.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?

[akmnstr]

How can you tell if a Texas cowboy is married? ********************
******
*******
********
********
********
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

[akmnstr]

A cowgirl, from Fort Worth, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Waco, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."

[Oldfisti]

Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them
notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to
dance with that girl." The other man replies,
"Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says,
"Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance
with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman
says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on
matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the
man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated
on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

[fastwin]

  Nothing like a good mix of drunkeness and potty humor! Well played.

[erkishhorde]

I was in Costco the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

[erkishhorde]

Biker Bob.......
...and another old cronie decide that are getting close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a couple hours of drinking they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed." "These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference".
The manager does as he is told and the two old men are escorted upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the one guy says to Biker Bob, "ya know Bob, I think my girl was dead."
"Dead?" says Biker Bob, "why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
"hmmm" says Biker Bob.. "could be worse, I think mine was a witch."
"A witch?? Why the hell would you say that?"
"Well," says Biker Bob, "I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!"

[NorDog]

A cop is driving along one night as sees a drunk staggering down the middle of the street.  The drunk is holding his keys in one hand, and holding one of the keys out like he wants to put it into a lock.

The cop pulls over, gets out, and walks over the drunk.

"Hey buddy, you look like you've been drinking.  What do you think you're doing?"

The drunk replied, "I'm looking for my car!"

The cop asked, "Where do you remember seeing it last?"

The drunk held up his key and yelled, "It was on the end of this key the last time I saw it!"

The cop says, "Come on, I'll give you a ride home and you can look for it tomorrow."

"Thanks," says the drunk.

As the cop is helping the drunk into the squad car he notices that the drunk's pants are unzipped and his penis is swinging in the breeze.

"Hey buddy, you better put yourself away and zip up your pants."

It takes a moment for the drunk to understand.  He slowly looks down at his penis, then suddenly he screams, "OH MY GOD!  WHERE'S MY WIFE?"

[SacDuc]

How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a penis? LIGHT BULB! I meant light bulb!


sac

[slowpoke13]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it  with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me?  Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes , She Said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'

'Here it comes'

[fastwin]

  That's great!!! That one made my night. Funny shit!!

[mstevens]

How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a penis? LIGHT BULB! I meant light bulb!

Still doesn't make sense after you fixed it. Freudian analysts don't fit in light bulbs.

Give it some time...

[Buckethead]

You know, even Freud said "Sometimes a cigar is just a OOH! LOOK! Cocaine!"  <snooooooork>

[Rob Hilding]

How much does a light bulb weigh?