DMF joke thread

[mstevens]

I am in no way racist

If that were true, you wouldn't find it funny.

[El Matador]

**I aplogize in advance if this joke offends anybody - I am in no way racist - I laugh equally at any funny jokes deriding any & all races/genders/sexual orientations or any combination thereof!**

I don't discriminate, I hate everybody equally 

[Kaveh]

If that were true, you wouldn't find it funny.

I'm with mstevens...kinda in bad taste 

[somegirl]

I didn't find it amusing either.

[Hank]

Dumb racial stereotypes always make for a good joke!

[S4ROB]

I hope this dosn't offend anyone...

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYTimes reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid i n danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

"A Ducati Monster and I am a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[sno_duc]

Dumb racial stereotypes always make for a good joke!

Don't forget about blonde lawyers selling used cars.


Racial jokes don't bother me. I reallize that in every subgroup ( racial, profession......) you are going to have a certain % that are class acts and a certain % that are trash.
What bothers me is when people start living down to racial stereotypes. WAKE UP, you choose, so don't choose to be stupid.

[Hank]

Don't forget about blonde lawyers selling used cars.

I haven't heard this one.  Do Tell! 

[mstevens]

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Yes. That's funny. Thank you.

[sno_duc]

GITCHA MOMMA

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r
what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old

blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
'Boy.................go gitcha momma'

[trenner]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a weasel under one arm, and wearing a zebra-stripe hat.  The bartender takes one look at him, and says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

[Bun-bun]

A psychotherapist is confronting three mothers and their children at a school meeting. He says to the mothers " you are all controlled by your obsessions.

He turns to the first woman "Madam, you are obsessed with sweets. You are so controlled by them that you have named your child Candy."

He turns to the second mother "Madam, you are obsessed with alcohol. You are such a lush, you even named your child Brandy."

The third mother stands up and says "C'mon Dick, we're leving!"

[Speedbag]

A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's walking out the door, the clerk cheerfully says, "Come again!"

The blonde stops and says "No, it's mustard this time."

[Bick]

Barack Obama , Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America.  He is considered by those who have dealt with him, as more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet.  Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.  Then he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands a child in America dies from gun violence."

Little Johnny with a proud Texas Drawl, pierced the quiet, "Well, stop clapping!"

[S4ROB]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.