DMF joke thread

[fastwin]

Those are great! After being stuck in the house for 4 days I needed that!!

[Desert Dust]

Q: Do you know what a blonde's first words are after 4 years of college?

A: Would you like fries with that?

[Zaster]

One more blonde joke:


An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

Are you ready for it....................
.
.
.
Here it comes...........................
.
.
.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[eltristo]

That was possibly the best blonde joke ever. 

[ryandalling]

Q: Do you know what a blonde's first words are after 4 years of college?

A: Would you like fries with that?

Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...

[Statler]

Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...

hahahahah. 


good one. 

[Desert Dust]

Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...

Excuse me, but I'm an English Literature major with a Master's in Education. 

Would you like to supersize that order? 

Actually, I've been working as a high school teacher for the last fifteen years. 

[sisca77]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

  ....thanks for waking me up.....it's been a loooong nite.....

[ryandalling]

Actually, I've been working as a high school teacher for the last fifteen years. 

 I work with some very smart lit majors. My diss was aimed at the annoying bookstore employees... Although, props too you for teaching. I got my teaching cert, and saw the state of schools these days... And felt like an under paid babysitter. Anybody who can do it, deserves twice the pay and half the hours.

[BoDiddley]

 
 DUI  -  MICHIGAN STYLE 


 
                                   
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine,
Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it. 

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left. 

At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road. 

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. 

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all! 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 


'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.
                                   
'Tonight I'm the designated Decoy.'

[slowpoke13]

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
 
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
 
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .....
 
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
 
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
 
THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,
 
BALD,
 
WRINKLED FACED,
 
FAT-ASSED,
 
GRAY-HAIRED,
 
DECREPIT
 
SON-OF-A-pregnant dog
 
ASKED,




 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[dolci]

 

[ducpainter]

The Back Pew 
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the   congregation and asked for a raise.  After much discussion,   they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so   would his paycheck.  After 6 children, this started to get   expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting   to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.  A great deal of   yelling and inner  bickering ensued as to how much the clergyman's   additional children were costing the church and how much more it could   potentially cost. 
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his   chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as   many gifts as He gives us."   
 
Silence fell on the congregation.  In the back   pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and finally said in her frail   voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too   much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[slowpoke13]

ANNOUNCEMENT


      The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."

[DoubleEagle]

Sorry if this is a derby....


A 94 year old man gives his Viagra Script to the Phramicist and asks if he will cut the blue pills in 1/4s.

The Pharmicist has a strange look on his face ...then he says " Sir , I don't think 1/4 will be enough to give you an erection."

The old man says " Oh that's ok, I just want to stop peeing on my slippers !"

Dolph