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DMF joke thread
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Topic: DMF joke thread (Read 445490 times)
fastwin
She pointed and laughed at my
Hero Member
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tap, rack, bang
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #930 on:
February 04, 2011, 09:54:10 AM »
Those are great! After being stuck in the house for 4 days I needed that!!
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I plan to list the Federal Gov't. as a dependent on my next 1040 tax filing!
I have flying honey badgers and I'm not afraid to use them!
The fact that flame throwers exist is proof that someone somewhere said "I'd sure like to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
CONFIDENCE: the feeling you have right before you understand the situation.
Desert Dust
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #931 on:
February 04, 2011, 06:05:01 PM »
Q: Do you know what a blonde's first words are after 4 years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?
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07 S2R 1K: "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”
Zaster
Only Pam can touch my
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2007 S4RS (sold) , 2008 1098S (sold), 2013 1199R,
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #932 on:
February 04, 2011, 06:57:55 PM »
One more blonde joke:
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too!"
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
Are you ready for it....................
.
.
.
Here it comes...........................
.
.
.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
Logged
eltristo
Go Go Gadget
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Humble servant of MBG
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #933 on:
February 05, 2011, 02:14:26 PM »
That was possibly the best blonde joke ever.
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"Health! The open sesame to the sucker's purse."
ryandalling
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Trade you my milk for your Ducati...
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #934 on:
February 06, 2011, 12:44:42 PM »
Quote from: Desert Dust on February 04, 2011, 06:05:01 PM
Q: Do you know what a blonde's first words are after 4 years of college?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...
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Confused rider who doesn't know what he is even riding at the moment. (2012 URAL GearUp, 2012 Ninja 250 Racer, 1969 CB175 Racer)
Statler
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Gravel rashed froo froo white is the fastest color
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #935 on:
February 06, 2011, 01:22:53 PM »
Quote from: ryandalling on February 06, 2011, 12:44:42 PM
Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...
hahahahah.
good one.
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It's
still
buy a flounder a drink month
Desert Dust
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"There's no glamour in Nirvana, no glamour at all"
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #936 on:
February 06, 2011, 01:36:18 PM »
Quote from: ryandalling on February 06, 2011, 12:44:42 PM
Isnt it sad that it takes 4 years of college to work up to a fast food job? Almost as bad as all those lit majors that have masters degrees in english lit and now have the highest paying job available to them, as a book store clerk.... although its pretty bad out here in Portland... them lit majors that work at our Powells Bookstore (biggest bookstore west of mississipi) they are too snobby to even help you...
Excuse me, but I'm an English Literature major with a Master's in Education.
Would you like to supersize that order?
Actually, I've been working as a high school teacher for the last fifteen years.
Logged
07 S2R 1K: "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”
sisca77
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #937 on:
February 07, 2011, 04:26:50 AM »
Quote from: Jaman on February 03, 2011, 07:32:43 AM
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
....thanks for waking me up.....it's been a loooong nite.....
«
Last Edit: February 07, 2011, 04:28:25 AM by sisca77
»
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ryandalling
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Trade you my milk for your Ducati...
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #938 on:
February 07, 2011, 04:40:15 AM »
Quote from: Desert Dust on February 06, 2011, 01:36:18 PM
Actually, I've been working as a high school teacher for the last fifteen years.
I work with some very smart lit majors. My diss was aimed at the annoying bookstore employees... Although, props too you for teaching. I got my teaching cert, and saw the state of schools these days... And felt like an under paid babysitter. Anybody who can do it, deserves twice the pay and half the hours.
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Confused rider who doesn't know what he is even riding at the moment. (2012 URAL GearUp, 2012 Ninja 250 Racer, 1969 CB175 Racer)
BoDiddley
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S4Rs In Michigan
Michigan drinkers
«
Reply #939 on:
February 13, 2011, 05:18:57 AM »
DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine,
Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.
At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.
'Tonight I'm the designated Decoy.'
Logged
"But sire what are we to do. You have taken all our weapons and now the heathen hordes are at the gate. Are we to lie down and give them our lives. Without weapons they will make us eat ourselves."
slowpoke13
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #940 on:
February 15, 2011, 10:20:10 AM »
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .....
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-pregnant dog
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
Logged
slowpoke
san
dolci
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #941 on:
February 15, 2011, 11:50:54 AM »
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Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing; however, they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
2005 620ie
1998 GS500E - gone
ducpainter
The Often Hated
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DILLIGAF
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #942 on:
February 19, 2011, 05:37:07 PM »
The Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
perspective
is even more amazing than yours."
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
slowpoke13
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #943 on:
February 19, 2011, 07:03:49 PM »
ANNOUNCEMENT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."
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slowpoke
san
DoubleEagle
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" If you are unafraid you will be safe "
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #944 on:
February 22, 2011, 01:54:23 AM »
Sorry if this is a derby....
A 94 year old man gives his Viagra Script to the Phramicist and asks if he will cut the blue pills in 1/4s.
The Pharmicist has a strange look on his face ...then he says " Sir , I don't think 1/4 will be enough to give you an erection."
The old man says " Oh that's ok, I just want to stop peeing on my slippers !"
Dolph
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'08 Ducati 1098 R '09 BMW K 1300 GT '10 BMW S 1000 RR
Shortest sentence...." I am " Longest sentence ... " I Do "
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