DMF joke thread

[slowpoke13]

Understanding Engineers
 
Unerstanding Engineers One:
 
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers  Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper.  Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind firemen.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers  Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.  Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers  Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers  Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.  Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers  Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers  Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[ducpainter]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[fastwin]

Oh yeah... that's going to be forwarded to several anal engineer friends of mine!!! Awesome stuff!!!

[El Matador]

anal engineer friends of mine!!!

Some of the programs they offer at liberal colleges nowadays are just amazingly specific. 

[Buckethead]

Mathematician and an engineer are at a conference in a swanky hotel. They get checked into their respective rooms and are heading down the hallway to the elevator when they pass an open door. To their astonishment, in the room with the open door is a gorgeous, scantily clad woman reclining on the bed, looking suggestively towards the door. When she sees she's got their attention, she tells them both "If you come into this room, I'll do whatever you want for the rest of the night. But there's a catch: each time you step closer to the bed, you can only come 1/2 the remaining distance from where you are to the bed."

The engineer starts taking amazingly huge strides. His mathematician friend shouts at him "Stop! You fool! You can only close half the distance with each step! You'll never ACTUALLY get to the bed!"

The engineer looks over his shoulder and winks at his friend. "I know! But soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

[slowpoke13]

Update on  Monica Lewinsky

 
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...

 
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her....

 
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...

 
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...

 
And just like that... Her ears fell off...

[sno_duc]

Mom finds junior's stash of porn magazines and videos, including a lot of S&M.
When dad gets home from work, she asks "How are we going punish junior for bringing smut into our house??"
After dad looks over the offending material.........."Well, spanking is difffently out"

[Punx Clever]

This is more of what you would call an anti-joke... but still, a good one!

What do you call a black man flying a plane?



















A pilot.

[Speedbag]

How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill 2-1/2 men.

[Monsterlover]

Niiiice one

[AJ]

Niiiice one

+1
shoot, the transcript of any one of the batshitcrazy interviews with that self-proclaimed warlock would be appropriate for this thread!

[Jarvicious]

snip

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

snip

 

It's funny cause it's true.

[Monster Dave]

Charlie Sheen.




Winning.

[Jaman]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little
later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go f&*k yourself '. Grandma made these for me'.

[erkishhorde]

Charlie Sheen.




Winning.

Charlie Sheen WINNING at Call of Duty: Black Ops