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DMF joke thread
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Topic: DMF joke thread (Read 445475 times)
slowpoke13
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #945 on:
February 23, 2011, 02:43:02 PM »
Understanding Engineers
Unerstanding Engineers One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers Two
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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slowpoke
san
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #946 on:
February 23, 2011, 02:51:44 PM »
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
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is even more amazing than yours."
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
fastwin
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tap, rack, bang
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #947 on:
February 23, 2011, 06:15:44 PM »
Oh yeah... that's going to be forwarded to several anal engineer friends of mine!!! Awesome stuff!!!
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The fact that flame throwers exist is proof that someone somewhere said "I'd sure like to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #948 on:
February 23, 2011, 08:12:08 PM »
Quote from: oldfastwin on February 23, 2011, 06:15:44 PM
anal engineer friends of mine!!!
Some of the programs they offer at liberal colleges nowadays are just amazingly specific.
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Buckethead
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #949 on:
February 24, 2011, 01:24:40 PM »
Mathematician and an engineer are at a conference in a swanky hotel. They get checked into their respective rooms and are heading down the hallway to the elevator when they pass an open door. To their astonishment, in the room with the open door is a gorgeous, scantily clad woman reclining on the bed, looking suggestively towards the door. When she sees she's got their attention, she tells them both "If you come into this room, I'll do whatever you want for the rest of the night. But there's a catch: each time you step closer to the bed, you can only come 1/2 the remaining distance from where you are to the bed."
The engineer starts taking amazingly huge strides. His mathematician friend shouts at him "Stop! You fool! You can only close half the distance with each step! You'll never ACTUALLY get to the bed!"
The engineer looks over his shoulder and winks at his friend. "I know! But soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"
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Quote from: Jester on April 11, 2013, 06:29:35 AM
I can't wait until Marquez gets on his level and makes Jorge trip on his tampon string.
slowpoke13
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #950 on:
February 25, 2011, 12:23:45 PM »
Update on Monica Lewinsky
After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her....
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
'God....If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed...
And just like that... Her ears fell off...
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slowpoke
san
sno_duc
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #951 on:
February 26, 2011, 05:42:33 PM »
Mom finds junior's stash of porn magazines and videos, including a lot of S&M.
When dad gets home from work, she asks "How are we going punish junior for bringing smut into our house??"
After dad looks over the offending material.........."Well, spanking is difffently out"
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A conclusion is the place you got tired of thinking
Punx Clever
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #952 on:
February 27, 2011, 10:31:27 AM »
This is more of what you would call an anti-joke... but still, a good one!
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot.
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Since 2004!
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #953 on:
March 08, 2011, 01:33:30 PM »
How much coke can Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill 2-1/2 men.
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #954 on:
March 08, 2011, 06:00:39 PM »
Niiiice one
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AJ
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #955 on:
March 08, 2011, 06:22:12 PM »
Quote from: Monsterlover on March 08, 2011, 06:00:39 PM
Niiiice one
+1
shoot, the transcript of any one of the batshitcrazy interviews with that self-proclaimed warlock would be appropriate for this thread!
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Quote from: The Bacon Junkie on November 08, 2011, 09:32:47 PM
It was great meeting "The Dude" at long last. She brought us some
epic
beer.
Jarvicious
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Balls
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #956 on:
March 09, 2011, 04:23:08 PM »
Quote from: slowpoke13 on February 23, 2011, 02:43:02 PM
snip
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
snip
It's funny cause it's true.
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We're liberated by the hearts that imprison us. We're taken hostage by the ones that we break.
Monster Dave
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #957 on:
March 10, 2011, 07:11:44 AM »
Charlie Sheen.
Winning.
«
Last Edit: March 10, 2011, 07:13:45 AM by Monster Dave
»
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Jaman
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #958 on:
March 10, 2011, 01:56:15 PM »
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little
later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Laughing, Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go f&*k yourself '. Grandma made these for me'.
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erkishhorde
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #959 on:
March 10, 2011, 01:59:41 PM »
Quote from: Monster Dave on March 10, 2011, 07:11:44 AM
Charlie Sheen.
Winning.
Charlie Sheen WINNING at Call of Duty: Black Ops
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ErkZ NOT in SLO w/ his '95 m900!
The end is in sight! Gotta buckle down and get to work!
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