DMF joke thread

[Monster Dave]

 

[ducpainter]

CONFESSIONAL BOX...

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the
Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on
tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their
garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting
than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[the_Journeyman]

 

JM

[r_ciao]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[Randimus Maximus]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur,' Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God'. St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and said, 'Oh, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle?"
Arthur said,'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented, 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,'Excuse me, but aren't you the Inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah,yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'Professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your invention':

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension!

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds!

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much!

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust!

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God. 'Hold on...'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that My invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, a lot more men are riding My invention than yours!'

[fastwin]

  Good one!

[dolci]

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all and Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He spun around and screamed, "For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?" 

[fastwin]

That's a good one too!!

[Monsterlover]

Lol

[FIFO]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Julia or Tony aren't
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.  

[akmnstr]

and then Derby calls a Derby

[Buckethead]

Derby.

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=1071.msg889035#msg889035

 

(Which OzMo member Betty was nice enough to point out over there.) 

[sno_duc]

you missed one
2 or 3 younger posters to point out that it's impossible for members over 40 to change a lumination device.
Everyone knows,................after 40 your screwing days are over

[NorDog]

you missed one
2 or 3 younger posters to point out that it's impossible for members over 40 to change a lumination device.
Everyone knows,................after 40 your screwing days are over

There should be at least one poster to note that changing the new mandated curly tubed light bulbs will require a haz-mat team for disposal due to the mercury content.

[FIFO]

-WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt