DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the make the beast with two backsing wall!'''

[fastwin]

Oldie but still a damn good one!

[sno_duc]

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female,
became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought
of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker
responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee ,
like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The
Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby
Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be
willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00 ?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have
to think the matter over carefully. The following day,
he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under five conditions:

'First',

Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

'Second',

He said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever'
T-Shirt.' The keeper again readily agreed to this
condition.

'Third',

He said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

 

'Fourth',
Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.

'And last,'
Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.

[sno_duc]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
 
 
 
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!   
Shit may just be the most functional word in the   English language.   
 
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.   
 
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.   
 
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.   
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,   or duck when the shit hits the fan.   
 
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.   
 
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.   
 
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain  shitty.   
 
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.   
 
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.   
 
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.   
 
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.   
 
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.   
 
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!   
 
  You could pass this along, if you give a shit .
 
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......... 


Shit Happens
 

[ducpainter]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
 
 
 
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!   
Shit may just be the most functional word in the   English language.   
 
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.   
 
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.   
 
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.   
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,   or duck when the shit hits the fan.   
 
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.   
 
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.   
 
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain  shitty.   
 
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.   
 
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.   
 
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.   
 
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.   
 
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.   
 
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!   
 
  You could pass this along, if you give a shit .
 
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.......... 


Shit Happens
 

Has to be Carlin....

[fastwin]

  I needed a good laugh!!

[ducpainter]

> > HOW TO START A FIGHT
> >
> > One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
> > a Christmas gift...
> >
> > The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> >
> > When she asked me why, I replied,
> >
> > "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> >
> > And that's how the fight started.....
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> > we were in bed.
> >
> > I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> >
> > 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> >
> > 'Is that your final answer?'
> >
> > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> >
> > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >
> > And that's when the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >
> > The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> >
> > "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> >
> > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> >
> > "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >
> > And that's when the fight started.....
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> > reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> > drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> >
> > I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> >
> > "Yes", she sighed,
> >
> > "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
> > right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> > hasn't been sober since."
> >
> > "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> > celebrating that long?"
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> >
> > She asked, "What's on TV?"
> >
> > I said, "Dust."
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
> > lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
> > boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> > downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
> > garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
> > would be bad all day.
> >
> > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
> > into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
> > anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
> > terrible."
> >
> > My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
> > stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
> >
> > And that's how the fight started...
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> > anniversary.
> >
> > She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
> > about 3 seconds."
> >
> > I bought her a bathroom scale.
> >
> > And then the fight started......
> >
> > ______________________________
> >
> >
> > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
> > for Social Security.
> >
> > The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
> > verify my age.
> >
> > I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> > home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
> > to go home and come back later.
> >
> > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >
> > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> >
> > She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> > me' and she processed my Social Security application.
> >
> > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> > the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
> > your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
> >
> > And then the fight started...
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> >
> > She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> >
> > "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
> > to pay me a compliment.'
> >
> > I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> >
> > And then the fight started........
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
> >
> > The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
> >
> > He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
> >
> > So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
> >
> > That's how the fight started.

[Mojo S2R]

 

   Thank you.  I needed a good laugh.

[ryandalling]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
This thread
This thread who?
This thread needs updating. Please add more jokes.

 

On a side note... local bar has big sign out front.... "Topless waitresses & Free beer." Then in small text beneath it, "Plus, less than truthfull advertising."

[NorDog]

A priest, a pirate, and a lesbian walk into a bar.

The bartender said, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

[Desert Dust]

Question: Do you know why you shouldn't talk about gay men?

Answer: They always take it the wrong way.

[fastwin]

The drummer in the band should do a little drum roll and symbol on that one!

[flare_late]

Q: What material is the Mario Brothers' pants made from?
.
.
.
.
.
A: Denim denim denim.....

[Howie]

Italian Honeymoon


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
 
Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'
 
Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'
 
'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.
 
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa d a luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da  dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.   We just about to go boombada, boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice   'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
 
'Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'

[The Bacon Junkie]