DMF joke thread

[Ducatiloo]

'Boy.................go gitcha momma'

 

[Hank]

A Condensed Version of History
For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
 
1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
 
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
 
1. Liberals
 
2. Conservatives.
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so  while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they  just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the  Conservative movement.
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the  conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,  fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
 
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became  known as girlie-men.
 
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the  invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
 
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most  powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well  done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting  evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,  dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for  their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate  executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a  living.
 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and  decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more  enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when  conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
 
Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
 
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
 
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers  and to more liberals just to piss them off....

[Kaveh]

 

There is a political section, fyi...

[sno_duc]

And I already posted that joke in the Humor at Hillary's Expence thread a month ago.

[Kaveh]

And I already posted that joke in the Political Joke thread.

that's a good place for it

[Speedbag]

Yeah, we could go on forever with conservatives jokes. 

And now back to your scheduled programming.....

[erkishhorde]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

I remember that one. The difference in the one I read was that the guy hadn't slept with Teresa yet so Hell is endothermic.

[DCXCV]

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open...

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Teed Off In South Carolina

[Hank]

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open...

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Teed Off In South Carolina

[Hank]

 Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
 
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a pregnant dog.

[DaniD]

Little Johnny's Sister

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

'No,' Sally replied, 'salty!'

Mom fainted.

[Kaveh]

Sunday Morning Sex



I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even; nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the ding and out on the dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[sno_duc]

MEN vs WOMEN


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in  any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[S4ROB]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr.  Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me!  Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr.  Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued.  "When we pulled her up she had two 25-pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr.  Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[sno_duc]