Helping a friend cope with the loss of his parents in a moto accident

[metallimonster]

Sadly, one of my longest and best friends lost his parents due to a drunk driver hitting them head on while they were riding. He is holding up well but I am really the only friend that he has that rides.  I've known his parents for 20 years and they have rode for almost all of them.  In fact, they were seperated and the motorcycle brought them back together.

Anyways, I was wondering if anyone can give me some insight on how to approach him or help him cope with the fact that they were on a motorcycle.  We had discussed riding a lot and they knew (like we all do) the risks we take.  Anyone have any ideas on how I can help him by conveying to him how much riding means to us and that we know that chances we take everytime we get out there?

Just to be clear- he is not a rider, just his parents. 

[stopintime]

I'm very sorry for his loss - it's brutal.

The riding or not topic might be better to save for later, I think.

You can help a lot by "being there" for your friend, and by that I mean really being there by his side for many hours at a time. Enough people say they are there, but expect to be called and asked to appear, which is very hard to do if you are totally hart broken.

You're a good friend - show it - good luck!

[mitt]

Riding means different things to different people - don't get your feelings mixed up with his.  I would not blame him at all for hanging up his helmet short term or even for ever.  Just be there as a friend IMO.


mitt

[ManaloEA]

Probably the most important thing (as said earlier) is to be there for him. But when you see him, be sure that you are riding to go visit him. This might help him cope with the fact that the motorcycle is not to blame.

[metallimonster]

The riding or not topic might be better to save for later, I think.

I totally agree, I'm going to let him deal and then see how things go before I approach him with anything.

And I will for sure be trying to ride as much as possible when I go see him (sucks that last weekend was probably the last of the year in Ohio)

[muskrat]

My condolences. 
As mentioned previously, be his friend and stay off the subject of the accident IMO.  I found that grieving losses multiply in effect when having to explain the circumstance over and over.  The best thing is support and a willingness to be there during this time. 

[SDkid]

same as everyone else, be there for him.  Don't try to offer any explanation or clichés, that's not something a friend should do.  If he seems lost for words, sit with him and be lost for words too.  I would stay away from the motorcycle thing for now, he probably thinks about it enough already.  You are a good friend for caring.

[ab]

Sorry to hear the sad news.

Best you can do is just keep your friend company. 

[Desmo Demon]

Just to be clear- he is not a rider, just his parents. 

Sorry to hear of the loss, and I can't really provide any suggestions to make him deal with it better. Most non-riders have no idea what riding means to some people, and without that level of understanding, there's no way to make them see the light.

To change the topic - I assume they were riding two-up? If so, this is the #1 reason why I highly recommend couples with children, especially young children, to ride their own bikes. It's the best way to reduce the risk of one accident rendering the children as parentless.

[elyse]

i just loss my mom & brother under pretty tragic circumstances and honestly the way they died definitely hurts but its the suddenness in which it happened that is the most painful...not having the opportunity to say goodbye. reliving the last conversations.. eventually talking about motorcycle riding and how they were doing what they loved may ease the pain some...but my advice to you as a friend is to just be there..but dont ask how he's feeling for 2 reasons #1 you already know he's feeling like crap & #2 sometimes there are fleeting moments when you arent consumed by the sadness & then someone asks and its like a reminder that you're supposed to be sad...

if you can't physically be in his presence try to call once a day. most people won't tell you when they need you. drag him out of the house when you can. do normal stuff. joke with him..just make sure he knows people care....

& later on if he has negative views on riding you can give him your perspective

[akmnstr]

I agree with Elyse.  Take him out and do some fun things in addition to listening and talking about the loss.  Mourning is difficult process and often one can end up in a depressing cycle of negative thoughts.  Going out to a game or a movie can break the pattern.  He will and should go back to mourning but having escaped it for an hour or two will help him realize that someday his life will reach some normalcy and he can be happy again. I'd avoid drinking with him.  In my experience, it just heightens negative feelings. 

Just some of my opinions, I'm not an expert.

[Bladecutter]

Best way to help is to offer the friend to join him in showing up at the residence where the drunk driver lives, and disabling all his vehicles once a week, for the rest of eternity.

BC.

[fastwin]

What Elyse said. It really doesn't matter how they died. House fire, car crash, boating accident, etc. I'd stay away from the riding part. It could get weird because you ride. Don't bother convincing him "they died doing what they loved". BS. Some drunk asshole killed them! Who wouldn't be mad as hell and who wouldn't feel like they were gut shot? There will be a truck load of emotions pouring out of him for weeks, months and years. Like everyone has said, just be there. Be a good friend.

I am so sorry for his loss. I hate drunk drivers. Worked in a criminal courthouse for years. I have too often seen the devastation they can cause. I like to have a drink but I never drink and drive. Again, I will keep your friend in my thoughts and prayers.

[metallimonster]

I really appreciate all the advice everyone.  The wake and funeral were really tough and I could tell he was just trying to keep it together. There was something like 2,500 people at each so it was just crazy.  I have decided not to say anything about riding and just let him carry the conversation if it goes that way. 

He's had plenty of support and all kinds of friends around. I think he'll be fine but his sister was already in a bad place before this so he's really worried about her. For know I'm just trying to act  normal around him.  We are watching the fights and football with everyone like we normally do and are going disc golfing Sunday. I hope that maybe he can get a couple of minutes where he's not thinking about it.

What really sucks so much is that he works at the hospital where the guy who did it is currently.  I couldn't imagine having to walk in there Monday knowing that make the beast with two backsstick is just laying there ripe for the picking. He is actually taking the high ground and is letting someone else in his familly handle lawsuits and such so he has really tried to avoid any kind of specifics or let hate get in his heart.

[ManaloEA]

To add a little more perspective, one of my son's friends recently committed suicide (almost two months to the day). My wife and I might as well have adopted this kid, because emotionally we already did (single mom who was uninvolved, looked to me as a father figure, looked to my wife as a surrogate mother, etc etc...). He spent so much time with us, we gave him a key so he could come over whenever he needed or wanted. I remember going through the grieving process, and feeling resentment whenever someone said "Sorry for your loss". My thinking was "No, you're not really sorry for my loss. You are sorry because you don't know what to say." And whenever anyone said "I know how you feel", I remember thinking "No, you don't know how I feel. Unless you lost a child of your own, or a very close facsimile, you have no way to understand how I feel." And whenever people would give me the 'sad and concerned' face, it was like they wanted me to cry in front of them too, like some sort of side show freak.

What I'm trying to say is that there is nothing that anyone can say or do that will magically make things better. So don't try to be a Dear Abby, just be the best friend you can be. Let him reminisce, share in his happy moments, and be sympathetic to his sad ones. If he is angry about riding, he has every right to be... he just lost his parents. If he needs help getting his parents personal belongings together, be a strong back and weak mind. You shouldn't have to tell him that you are there for him, let him know through your caring actions. And lastly, don't wait for him to ask for your help, he has enough on his plate to deal with. Offer to stop by with pizza or something.