So I've been in a long distance relationship about a year now and we're just reaching the end of the long distance part (I'm finally graduating) but now things are getting really bad since she says we don't talk enough. Back when my thesis deadline was far away I could always come up with things to talk about but now as it's reaching crunch time I got nothin' but complaints about my project not working and she obviously doesn't wanna listen to those. I've tried to tell her that it'll get better and we'll talk more once I'm done with school but it seems like it needs to get better right now or it's gonna break apart. I've got way too many other more important things to worry about right now. :-\ I guess that statement right there says a lot but my feeling is that if I don't finish up then my job that I've lined up will be in jeopardy and she won't want to be with someone that doesn't have a job either (I know that for a fact).
So you got anything more than, "How was you're day today?" "I went to work/ school... like usual..."
Telling her just what you told us might go a long way to starting a real conversation.
I tried that. Only seemed to help a bit. :-[
tell her about the hot chick that lives across from you.
that's sure to get a conversation going.
Seems to me that once they get bored, you're doomed. You can explain everything, they'll be fine for a day or two, then it's right back to crap.
I had a VERY similar experience, only it wasn't even long distance. We worked opposite shifts, though I'd still see her on her "lunch" break as often as I could, but I worked early in the morning and her breaks were generally late at night and a half hour drive each way.
I think a lot of women expect it to always be in that "honeymoon phase" where everything is new and exciting. The problem is.. it isn't.
"We don't talk enough" is often female code for "I don't feel connected to you." Which, given that you've got the long distance thing going, is entirely understandable.
Ask her what she wants to talk about. Ten to one she's got something on her mind.... And if not, you can always talk about the need for more talking and what to do about it. ;) If it's just a question of subject matter, because you aren't doing anything together, try doing something in tandem (like watching the same movie).
Then again, there's always phone sex. [evil]
Then again, if there's nothing to talk about, maybe that tells you something about where the relationship is going....
OK - I shouldn't even be commenting, but here goes...
I have been married for 8 years, together with her for 10. I suk at conversation. Never been eloquent, witty, good at small talk, etc. I tend to be VERY monosyllabic, answer in grunts & groans. The thing you speak of is something I was VERY worried about when I figured out that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman, it was eating at me. So I spoke to her about it. A few times. I felt MUCH better. In 10 years, it has NEVER been an issue. We are very comfortable together, and JUST BEING TOGETHER.
If the two of you are "meant" for each other, it will not be an issue, and I think that being together in the same town/home, and having more common daily experiences will help, as well as having that physical closeness.
My .02
J
Quote from: KnightofNi on June 03, 2008, 08:11:00 AM
tell her about the hot chick that lives across from you.
that's sure to get a conversation going.
+1. make sure you mention how much you like her butt, or how flat her stomach is. KnightofNi is right, it will for sure get something going... and if your fantasies are anything like mine... [popcorn]
Quote from: duqette on June 03, 2008, 08:26:50 AM
Ask her what she wants to talk about. Ten to one she's got something on her mind....
+1. that's my guess too.
could be anything, but i have a feeling she's got something she wants to be able to tell you, but with you talking about your problems constantly, she doesn't feel "welcome" to talk.
again, as i don't personally know either one of you... this is just a guess based on what you wrote.
The only reason I complain about school to her is because she says she doesn't want to always be the one that comes up with topic to talk about. I know complaining about school isn't really us talking but I don't really have anything else to talk about. I haven't had anything happen besides normal school stuff and don't have time to go out and do anything so that I have something to talk about.
AFTER 20 YEARS TOGETHER (almost 18 married) we talk about everything and sometimes nothing. Most weekdays we talk about what happened at work (her's mosty mine is way to boring), what the bulldogges are into, whats for supper (we spends HOURS on that one) lately we have been talking alot of politics.
We just set some ground rules real early on. no work on the weekends if possible. No screaming at each other (not productive) each others opinions are important no matter how silly it might seem to the other person.
Quote from: erkishhorde on June 03, 2008, 09:11:59 AM
The only reason I complain about school to her is because she says she doesn't want to always be the one that comes up with topic to talk about. I know complaining about school isn't really us talking but I don't really have anything else to talk about. I haven't had anything happen besides normal school stuff and don't have time to go out and do anything so that I have something to talk about.
go do something fun and new. hell you might need it to relieve the stress anyway.
then you'll have something to talk about.
Quote from: optiato on June 03, 2008, 08:23:44 AM
I think a lot of women expect it to always be in that "honeymoon phase" where everything is new and exciting. The problem is.. it isn't.
I don't like the fact that women often make this the responsibility of the guy. It sounds like SHE wants to talk more about things of substance or things that entertain her, but she doesn't want to be the one responsible to figure out what that is.
It shouldn't be your sole responsibility to keep it interesting especially with what you have going on. There are lots of generalizations here, and I tend to agree with them as a generalization. If the girl isn't willing to do her part than that's a pretty good sign of what's to come. Maybe this is how she's working on it, so she may deserve SOME credit.
It may also be a sign on her part of immaturity. I haven't actually experienced this that much since college.
sing her a song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MmawrEk0E8
Quote from: DucPete on June 03, 2008, 10:17:16 AM
I don't like the fact that women often make this the responsibility of the guy. It sounds like SHE wants to talk more about things of substance or things that entertain her, but she doesn't want to be the one responsible to figure out what that is.
It shouldn't be your sole responsibility to keep it interesting especially with what you have going on. There are lots of generalizations here, and I tend to agree with them as a generalization. If the girl isn't willing to do her part than that's a pretty good sign of what's to come. Maybe this is how she's working on it, so she may deserve SOME credit.
It may also be a sign on her part of immaturity. I haven't actually experienced this that much since college.
DucPete has it right.
The problem is that when you can be physically together, it's easier to go without conversation because the connection is through contact (I'm talking about holding hands... sheesh!). In a long distance relationship, the only connection is through conversation, which puts your whole relationship dependent on the phone calls. Sure, at first it's easy because you can fall back to when you guys were hanging out at home, going out to eat, watching movies, gossiping, etc. After years, though, that becomes more history than current events, so now all you talk about is stuff that's happening this week, or last week. Since you guys are apart, it requires the collisions of your separate worlds. So, since it's a problem with both of you, she shares in at least 50% of the responsibility, or maybe even more since she's the one that is unsatisfied.
I hate to tell you this but speaking from experience, you have about a 15% chance of making it (I'm taking into account that if you were to get married, you'd have 50% chance of divorcing. I only use this percentage because I don't know anything about you... nothing personal). You need to solve this quickly, or you guys are done. I personally will never do a long-distance relationship ever again... unless we're married, but then I'll have a spiritual connection that is very difficult to break, so that helps. Anyway....
The other side of the coin is, what the hell do I know?
My take on long distance and/or internet borne relationships is that it's exactly like the book being better than the movie.
If it goes on too long you start making all kinds of grandiose ideas/assumptions/events/expectations in your mind and when you're finally together it isn't the same.
I won't do the long distance stuff anymore myself having realized that. That and all the wishing and missing is just too painful.
I really enjoy spending time with guys who accept that you don't have to be entertaining each other all the time, sometimes it's nice just to hang out in silence.
However, if one of you is consistently not satisfied with the communication level, that means that the relationship is in trouble, possibly salvageable, but possibly not, sorry. :(
What do you talk about with the s/o? Two things.
1. Whatever she wants to talk about.
2. Her.
...
;)
It sounds like it's been a long stretch of time apart, and change is in the air as school is finishing for you soon. Keep shit upbeat man. I agree she needs to feel connection. You still have one thing in common after all your time apart, and it ties into why you're going to school and going through your challenges now...
...
3. Your future together.
You can still vent your frustrations, just put them into the context of why you're doing it (school). Plan, look forward, get excited about what's to come. Chicks like that (don't they?). [thumbsup]
together for 18 years, married for 12.
We talk often every day throughout work, but you are right...at some point you run out of stories.
While we love some private time together, we also recognize the ned to go out with friends (together as a couple).
If you can manage going out with some other people whose company you enjoy (I realize this is difficult is still long distance), then the talk while out is interesting because it's new folks, and the talk later is interesting because you can talk about them, and establish even more of the us versus the world mentality that fosters couple happiness.
Never underestimate the importance of going out in small groups as a couple. You don't have to swing or even flirt much with others to stay happy in a long-term reationship...you just have to change together versus changing seperately. You NEED mutual friends....nobody feels threatened, lots to talk about.
I just make shit up off the top of my head and pass it off as fact.
Make up new and exciting problems.
"Sorry I've been so distant lately sweetie, it's just my PO is *really* coming down on me lately about not skipping anymore of my NA meetings...."
Tell her of wondrous things you've learned and can't wait to show her.
"I can't wait to woo you with my sensuous trombone playing. It'll be electric."
"I've learned how to scale small buildings without equipment."
"I've taught the dogs how to use the toilet"
Or, with me, I typically find ways for her to worry.
"Those snakes with the red and yellow touching? Are those poisonous?"
"Did you take the car to the airport with you?"
"Hey....remember your Ducati?"
Have fun!
Quote from: someguy on June 03, 2008, 06:36:36 PM
"Those snakes with the red and yellow touching? Are those poisonous?"
"Did you take the car to the airport with you?"
"Hey....remember your Ducati?"
Hey now.....don't forget that I am in the same state as your Chrysler. >:( [bang]
Quote from: someguy on June 03, 2008, 06:36:36 PM
Have fun!
[cheeky] [laugh]
<bookmark>
Generally my wife and I talk about how awesome I am. I suggest you and your lady also talk about how awesome I am. [thumbsup]
sac
[cheeky]
"The DMF Pic thread just re-opened." [roll]
Quote from: SacDuc on June 03, 2008, 07:35:51 PM
Generally my wife and I talk about how awesome I am. I suggest you and your lady also talk about how awesome I am. [thumbsup]
sac
[cheeky]
It's worked for us [thumbsup]
Quote from: eyeboy on June 03, 2008, 08:37:36 AM
KnightofNi is right
:-\
THAT ^^^ comment goes both in the WTF thread and the "things you should never do" thread!! NEVER tell Kni he is right!! :P
Erik..I did a 2 year long distance with the s/o before we got married. It was tough! We're going on 14 years married next month.
Maybe you two should take a break. IF it's meant to be, she'll come back. If not, you'll be away from each other. Lots of opportunities for you out there, I'm sure!
Some others are quite correct - make sure she feels she is being heard and that she feels that you WANT to hear her thoughts/troubles/emotions/etc. Don't feel afraid to express your concern, but don't harp on it either. After a reasonable discussion about it, move on to deliberately happier subjects.
Talking about the future is good. Especially if both of you know that it's just kinda rambling to fill up space in a pleasant way. The conversation doesn't have to always be useful or "deep." Planning vacations together is also good. Oddly, this is a good way to find out alot about a person without having to live with them. [thumbsup]
Phone sex intimacy is always good, but try a twist on it - tell her what to do, or tell her to tell you what to do. Include some fantasy, but be sure to distinguish between real limits and an idea explored verbally just to raise the tension level for fun. Sorry if that's a little explicit, but it can release alot of tension as well as increase the level of closeness.
Sending multi-media pictures of your day is good. I send my gf pics from my phone several times a week. She gets to feel that she's involved in my life and my thoughts throughout the day.
I used to work at a coffee shop. The postman who brought our mail was married to a post-woman. I always wondered why he had a bluetooth on while delivering mail, and would occasionally talk to himself, but not like a continuous conversation. They just had an unlimited minutes cell plan and good headsets. Lots of quality time spent together, but often in silence. They sometimes met after work for a cuppa in our shop. Interesting pair, but they did a good job of illustrating to me that it's not just me who likes to simply be with (but not necessarily talking to) my s.o.
Quote from: Manny on June 03, 2008, 10:44:36 PM
Sending multi-media pictures of your day is good. I send my gf pics from my phone several times a week. She gets to feel that she's involved in my life and my thoughts throughout the day.
Long distance relationships seem pretty easy these days as opposed to the early 90's when the s/o and I were in one! No cell phone. Didn't have the web yet. No multimedia pics to send daily. No webcams. :-\ We wrote letters to each other everyday and made a call every second day. Our phonebills were ridiculous!! I finally got a beeper so the s/o could send me stupid little codes. [roll] [roll] [roll]
Agreed with talking about the future, i.e.: house, vacations, careers, goals, marriage, kids, etc.
Yeah. I did that in the late 90s, before cell phones (that I could afford). We did have email, though. Lots of expensive phone bills and just never seemed satisfying. It did help the break-up, though. ;) I wish my last one was that easy. :-\
Now my gf lives about an hour away. So we talk/text/mms during the week, and see each other on the weekends. Not ideal, but it works decent for now.
Good luck, Erk. [thumbsup]
btw, I would not do a time-out. If you're gonna break-up, just do it. Otherwise, find a way to work it out.
I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned...
ANAL!
What else is needed?
Ok, not so seriously, why the hell are you two dating? What do you have in common? What hobbies do you share? What activities drew you two together? Did she put all those activities on hold when the relationship became long distance? Did you? Did she just feed off your activities and now that you're stuck in a school rut, she's got nothing to entertain her?
Dude, you've gotten the "we need to talk" line.
Kick the immature, selfish, materialistic pregnant dog to the curb and move on.
wow, there is an awful lot of wisdom here ;) and some actual wisdom.
my GF and i had some rocky 'we don't talk' periods, some of which i caused... in the end it all came down to talking about nothing as much as talking about something... it is important for both of you to feel like your thoughts matter, are important enough to listen to no matter how dumb you (or she) thinks they sound. you really need to be able to talk shit as much as discuss the important stuff whatever that is... mortgage, kids, america's next top model... whatever.
i work from home and my GF goes to an office so i make a point of asking about her work, co-workers etc since she spends a lot of time with them... its like pulling teeth sometimes but worth it.
then we talk about boobies.
[wine]
Maybe she needs a CV
Quote from: DucPete on June 03, 2008, 10:17:16 AM
I don't like the fact that women often make this the responsibility of the guy. It sounds like SHE wants to talk more about things of substance or things that entertain her, but she doesn't want to be the one responsible to figure out what that is.
It shouldn't be your sole responsibility to keep it interesting especially with what you have going on. There are lots of generalizations here, and I tend to agree with them as a generalization. If the girl isn't willing to do her part than that's a pretty good sign of what's to come. Maybe this is how she's working on it, so she may deserve SOME credit.
It may also be a sign on her part of immaturity. I haven't actually experienced this that much since college.
Exactly right, dude. Look, we all have different skill sets in life. My wife is extroverted; I am not. Thus, I don't mind not talking. When she wants to talk, she starts the conversation. Sometimes I do, but it's not the norm.
If this chick has such issues that she's forcing to you be something/someone you are not just to satisfy her levels of insecurity instead of talking about the real issues, then she needs to go. You don't need that headache, man. It will only get worse.
If you're spending a lot of time being negative about all the crap you have to do for school I can see her wanting you to talk about something else. But that's only if she's tried to bring up other topics and you've steered the convo back to griping about your workload.
I had an ex that used to constantly complain about her coworkers - it gets very old after a while.
On the other hand, if she isn't making the effort and just expecting you to entertain her then that's her issue. And also, if this is the case, she may be done with the relationship and looking for the easy way out. (blaming you) You say things were easy before your deadline came up. Well that deadline is also the "relationship becoming real again" deadline.
If it's your issue and you're just being too pessimistic/lame/whiney then get yourself together and brighten up. You'll both like that better.
+1 on your overall assessment, dan