This one was a popular meme way back in the aughts when we didn't have movin' pictures on our computational machines or phones with internets on them. (I am therefore scheduled to receive the original, unmodified version from my mother some time in mid-2014)
But this hoary old chestnut has always been a favorite. I figure it is due to be resurrected and updated.
Classics:
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Updates:
Not a single computer in the world runs a Windows operating system of any kind.
If you are underweight and socially awkward your are sexually irresistible to most teenage girls (I'm talking to you Michael Cera, you rakish twig)
Post em up - classics or new pearls of wisdom from Hollywood...
Love these:
All telephone numbers in America have the digits 555.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
There are just so many...
The nice Black guy near always gets killed in War/Horror/Survival movies
Everyone now uses Apple computers
CSI Series: A tiny fleck or smudge on a hotel room carpet/trash filled alleyway is magically noticed among all other tiny flecks and smudges and provides a vital clue
Police or a back up squad always appear right after the good guy kills the bad guy(s). [popcorn]
hair and makeup always look perfect in the morning
no one farts unless it is a comedy
early -
guns almost always had unlimited bullets or a lack of need for reloading...
a well organized band of mercenary types can always take almost anything over and a single outnumbered force can singularly take em down...
late -
computers are a more powerful way to attack anyone than any kind BOOM weapon...
Magic is more powerful than any force...
motorcycles can defy the laws of physics and traction with ease....
Quote from: il d00d on December 07, 2010, 10:39:26 PM
Updates:
Not a single computer in the world runs a Windows operating system of any kind.
what was the James Bond flick that showed all the PCs running OS/2?
Leading men ride ducatis (but isn't that just like real life? I mean if your cool you ride a duc [moto])
all female detectives are a size 2 and gorgeous.
All detective depts have someone in them that was willed Colombo's trench coat.
All olice undercover cars look the same.
Al war movies have the same script. Lots of shouting followed by lots of dying.
No pne has ever picked me for the main character.
ductwork is always clean, roomy and the best choice for sneaking around a building
Oh, also lacking in turning vanes.
50% of all European bad guys have long hair.
Every car parked on the street has shock sensitive alarm.
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 05:05:36 AM
what was the James Bond flick that showed all the PCs running OS/2?
goldeneye, iirc...
(mmmm, famke...)
for those that have never seen it, the "100 rules of anime" is an amusing read:
http://www.cs.utah.edu/~duongsaa/more_htm/jk_100animeRules.htm (http://www.cs.utah.edu/~duongsaa/more_htm/jk_100animeRules.htm)
Quote from: lethe on December 08, 2010, 06:48:55 AM
ductwork is always clean, roomy and the best choice for sneaking around a building
Oh, also lacking in turning vanes.
only an hvac pro would notice that. lol
if you are a good looking guy, extremely rich, get all the girls, have every toy imaginable and never have to work ever, there is no way you are happy so you become a hitman/cop or mercenary, because well life is boring and you have father issues.
all the good guys ride ducatis there are no other motorcycle brands in the movie world today.
alien civilizations will always contact the dorkiest kid in high school first.
any courtroom movie, the bad guy will always confess to the crime on the stand, the trial will only last maybe 30 mintutes total, and the attorneys are shown preparing for the trial for 1 day total, that includes all the legal research, trial and question preparing and paperwriting combined.
Quote from: sbrguy on December 08, 2010, 07:45:19 AM
only an hvac pro would notice that. lol
ignorance of details makes for a better movie/TV show watching experience :P
Quote from: zooom on December 08, 2010, 04:25:09 AM
early -
guns almost always had unlimited bullets or a lack of need for reloading...
This is well represented in the 1968 hit "Where Eagles Dare". Clint Eastwood shoots his machine gun for like the entire length of the movie, mowing down hundreds of krauts, and never ever reloads!! That 30 round stick mag ran for an hour and a half!!! [laugh] [thumbsup]
Quote from: badgalbetty on December 08, 2010, 06:46:14 AM
all female detectives are a size 2 and gorgeous.
Corollary #1: All female detectives wear white pants or skirts to the goriest crime scenes or arson investigations.
Corollary #2: All female detectives wear 4" high heels at all times, especially when in foot pursuit of bad guys.
That perception isn't reality.
That only some people can speak Jive.
That you too can be the king of the world.
That really my dear, I don't give a damn.
That there really is no place like home.
That to hunt a shark, you're gonna need a bigger boat.
That Houston has problems.
That if you build it, they will come.
That greed, for lack of a better word is good.
That you can't handle the truth.
That you can make someone an offer that they can't refuse.
That I'm still waiting for someone to show me the money.
That we'll never need no stink'n badges.
That I prefer my drinks shaken, not stirred.
That most things don't react too well to bullets.
That I'd buy that for a dollar.
But most importantly:
That you have to go a lot faster than 88mph to see some serious shit.
[cheeky]
Quote from: Monster Dave on December 08, 2010, 08:03:52 AM
That most things don't react too well to bullets.
[cheeky]
That the next Crazy Ivan WILL BE to starboard.
That Lithuanian sub captains sound Scottish.
The he would have liked to have seen Montana.
that charlied don't surf.
that you love the smell of napalm in the morning, it smells like victory
THAT my advise to you...is to start drinking heavily!
that it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor...
that Mongo likes candy
that a Hospital is a large building with patients, but that isn't important right now
Morgan Freeman will always be full of wisdom, regardless of his station in life.
Keanu Reeves will attempt to convince the audience that he is human and will fail miserably.
Little people get all the juicy roles at Christmastime....totally unfair.
Jennifer Lopez has nearly the wisdom of Morgan Freeman, is a bit cynical, has a pure heart, and just needs half a chance.
Matthew McConaughey doesn't like wearing shirts
Hugh Grant will be charming and will learn a lesson
In a horror movie people will inexplicably try to determine the source of freaky noises and such without the help of light, weapons, or common sense.
That it's their time. Their time! Up there!
Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here.
all car tires squeal regardless of road surface
Cardio
Double Tap
Seatbelts
Limber Up
Check the back seat
Enjoy the little things
^
Don't Be a hero
-Car chases always involve an infinite amount of upshifting.
-People having sex in horror movies are always the ones to die.
-Kevin Costner can't act.
-Starring in a movie doesn't mean that you know jack-shit about politics. The more movies that you have starred in, the less you know about the real world.
-If Tom Cruise is in it, he will get the girl, lose the girl, then get her back again. And someone close to him will die in the interim.
-People can make incredible leaps and strides and overcome anything if there's a montage with an upbeat song.
The music will always tell you what is about to happen.
Quote from: Grappa on December 08, 2010, 12:51:23 PM
-People can make incredible leaps and strides and overcome anything if there's a montage with an upbeat song.
[laugh]
Good one!
Anything flammable is high explosive as well.
Montage Song from Team America (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU9Uwhjlog8#normal)
That the gorgeous girl will discover that it is her geeky, sensitive guy friend is the one she should have been with all along.
That the ugly, mousy girl is actually really beautiful once she takes her glasses off.
That all racial and ethnic stereotypes are completely true.
That nearly dying makes people kind and giving instead of paranoid and bitter.
That fat people should go be fat somewhere else.
sac
Greed is good. ;D
That the Starship Enterprise can't take anymore.....
Captain.
Nobody beautiful ever EVER needs to take an emergency dump
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 03:46:49 PM
Nobody beautiful ever EVER needs to takes a n emergency dump
If a woman nearly drowns and is then resuscitated by a man
she will immediately want to deeply kiss this man immediately after regaining consciousness.
This sometimes leads to sex [thumbsup]
Semi auto hand guns, when fired until empty, never lock the slide back.
Instead they just click.
Sometimes multiple times.
Quote from: Monsterlover on December 08, 2010, 04:53:13 PM
Semi auto hand guns, when fired until empty, never lock the slide back.
Instead they just click.
Sometimes multiple times.
That all guns make charging/cocking noises when pointed.
Oh yeah, I forgot about the four clicks from a wheel gun that get applied to every firearm that gets moved even a little
[laugh]
That's the Colt single action army four click cocking sound. Hollyweird thinks all wheel guns make the 4 click sound. [bang]
Quote from: The Architect on December 08, 2010, 04:37:13 PM
Nobody beautiful ever EVER needs to takes a n emergency dump
nah, not true
http://fullmoviereview.com/keywords/defecation/ (http://fullmoviereview.com/keywords/defecation/)
Quote from: duccarlos on December 08, 2010, 11:47:40 AM
Cardio
Double Tap
Seatbelts
Limber Up
Check the back seat
Enjoy the little things
know your way out.
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 07:20:43 PM
nah, not true
http://fullmoviereview.com/keywords/defecation/ (http://fullmoviereview.com/keywords/defecation/)
And who is the beautiful woman pooping in any of those?
Quote from: Mother on December 08, 2010, 07:56:22 PM
And who is the beautiful woman pooping in any of those?
who said anything about women?
Never get out of the boat. Unless you are going all the way.
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 07:59:42 PM
who said anything about women?
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 03:46:49 PM
Nobody beautiful ever EVER needs to take an emergency dump
Beautiful does not apply to a man
Sounds like "Apocalypse Now". Except I thought he said "never get out of the f#@king boat". He should have stayed a cook and avoided combat... and tigers. [laugh]
Quote from: Mother on December 08, 2010, 08:04:01 PM
Beautiful does not apply to a man
i like it when Mrs Ducatizzy calls me "the most beautiful man.." i guess I'm just lucky..
Firearm accuracy....how come the "bad guys" can expend thousands of rounds and not hit $hit at the same time the good guys can make one shot, one kill shots with a 38 snub nose. [laugh]
here's an oldie of mine from a couple of years back that applies to SciFi flicks
QuoteI've got it.
Kirk chases Kahn to h%ll and back.
Kahn crashes on the home world of the "tribbles".
The "Predators" have started using this planet for "Allien" games.
All the photo torpedos and phasers screw up the space time continum, causing.
Both the Arnold "Terminator", the plastic-metal " Terminator" , and the " Lost in Space" crew to end up on the planet.
After a long draw out battle in which the "Enterprise" almost runs out of expendible pimple faced crew-men.
Wait for it.
Kirk emerge with a minor flesh wound and seduces " Penny Robinson "
That:
People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
That extraterrestrials speak English.
sac
Quote from: sno_duc on December 08, 2010, 08:52:06 PM
here's an oldie of mine from a couple of years back that applies to SciFi flicks
All that just to see Lacey Chabert naked?
Quote from: Veloce-Fino on December 08, 2010, 09:27:44 PM
That:
People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.
i didn't learn that from a movie!
Quote from: ducatiz on December 09, 2010, 04:41:39 AM
i didn't learn that from a movie!
I think you're in the minority these days.
oh...and the biggun....
the good guy ALWAYS wins...
Quote from: ducatiz on December 08, 2010, 08:10:45 PM
i like it when Mrs Ducatizzy calls me "the most beautiful man.." i guess I'm just lucky..
She obviously wants something. Better check next month's charge card bill. [laugh]
That you can still function and think clearly after a long drawn out fight with the bad guy. The worst offender is the movie "Face Off".
Obviously, the screen writers have never been in a fight or seen a MMA fight. A couple solid hits to the face will pretty much knock you the f out.
Quote from: Goat_Herder on December 09, 2010, 07:27:01 AM
That you can still function and think clearly after a long drawn out fight with the bad guy. The worst offender is the movie "Face Off".
Obviously, the screen writers have never been in a fight or seen a MMA fight. A couple solid hits to the face will pretty much knock you the f out.
<threadjack>
Mike Tyson - "Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth."
</threadjack>
What Hollywood teaches directors:
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy some cool-ass special effects.
There's nothing wrong with my movie that another $20 million can't fix. (repeat as necessary)
Quote from: zooom on December 09, 2010, 06:01:03 AM
oh...and the biggun....
the good guy ALWAYS wins...
not ALWAYS
Seven
The Usual Suspects
Primal Fear
Empire Strikes Back
Quote from: JEFF_H on December 09, 2010, 09:20:09 AM
not ALWAYS
Empire Strikes Back
Oh but he
did in
Revenge Return of the Jedi
If your name is Bond, women will fall to your feet (or into your bed) and you are immune to STDs.
The good guy gets the girl.
Unless the girl's name is Summer. And I am still made about that.
well if your name is Bond, you are too cool for anything and can escape any danger, do you think an STD has any chance against James Bond? no chance at all.
In war of the worlds it was the little bugs that took down the invaders.
But if it were possible for Bond to fall to the little STD bugs it would of happened
sometime in the last 50 years while he was banging the world in the name of the Crown.
Then again, it might be the reason so many have played the part.
Now matter how immanent the danger, there's always time to kiss the girl.
Quote from: krolik on December 10, 2010, 10:29:02 PM
Now matter how immanent the danger, there's always time to kiss the girl.
Well, that's just true...
Quote from: krolik on December 10, 2010, 10:29:02 PM
Now matter how immanent the danger, there's always time to kiss the girl.
like another poster said, yeah that is just a real fact of life. that is one place where movies followed reality. [laugh]
You can jump from a moving vehicle traveling at highway speed (or faster) in jeans and a t-shirt onto the tarmac and emerge basically unscathed and ready for action.
(those of us who have crashed a bike on pavement can relate)
Quote from: Speedbag on December 11, 2010, 06:38:21 AM
You can jump from a moving vehicle traveling at highway speed (or faster) in jeans and a t-shirt onto the tarmac and emerge basically unscathed and ready for action.
(those of us who have crashed a bike on pavement can relate)
when you hit the ground, just start running
That the inside of an airplane is not the same plane shown in the previous shot.
That when the Bandits speedometer indicates 70 Mph it means they are going 110 Mph.
That peope are always brimming with happiness at the end, no matter how many of their friends/family/loved ones just died a gruesome, painful death. Oh and they're usually horny too
Quote from: El Matador on December 11, 2010, 09:17:14 AM
That peope are always brimming with happiness at the end, no matter how many of their friends/family/loved ones just died a gruesome, painful death. Oh and they're usually horny too
again
that's just real life
Quote from: El Matador on December 11, 2010, 09:17:14 AM
That peope are always brimming with happiness at the end, no matter how many of their friends/family/loved ones just died a gruesome, painful death. Oh and they're usually horny too
I highly recommend the film "The Mist".
That one didn't end all shiny and happy like I thought it might. At all.
Automobiles driven by the hero(ine) are capable of jumping incredible distances and land from nose bleed inducing heights, without parts flying off, the tires blowing out, or the frame bending.
The bad guys autos usually suffer all of the above at the same time.
That he is serious and they should stop calling him Shirley. ;D
That he'll never be over Macho Grande...
That he picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue...
Don't eat the chicken...
Quote from: The Bacon Junkie on December 12, 2010, 01:39:26 AM
Don't eat the chicken...
That's not accurate. Given a choice between chicken and fish, you should always choose lasagna.
Yes, that is correct... Eat the lasagna, not the chicken or fish.
Don't eat the chicken!
...or the fish. ;)
[bacon]
...or the salmon mousse.
And that Americans talk and talk and say "let me tell you something" or "I just wanna say this"
And that englishmen are so make the beast with two backsing pompous and none have any balls.
Quote from: ducatiz on December 13, 2010, 12:48:51 PM
...or the salmon mousse.
And that Americans talk and talk and say "let me tell you something" or "I just wanna say this"
And that englishmen are so make the beast with two backsing pompous and none have any balls.
[thumbsup] ;)
at least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Quote from: ducatiz on December 13, 2010, 12:48:51 PM
...or the salmon mousse.
And that Americans talk and talk and say "let me tell you something" or "I just wanna say this"
And that englishmen are so make the beast with two backsing pompous and none have any balls.
Ahem, did you not see my earlier reference to a certain Mr. Bond?
that an Omega 6 Replicant doesn't get murdered- they get "retired"
the 8th dimension occurs within rocks and lectroids live there
a good Batman suit can make anyone look buff
that it is possible to steal 50 top shelf cars in the course of a 12 hour evening with a crew of less than 10 people
screw ups can teach themselves basic training in the Army and get a top secret assigment
a chainsaw CAN be a great and functional replacement for a hand
The ducts inside the Pentagon are big enough to crawl through and somehow were overlooked when they designed a "maximum security chamber"
Also the maximum security chamber has an 11ty billion dollar system that will sound an alarm if so much as a drop of sweat hits the floor, but they couldn't spring for the $25 motion sensor from Radio Shack.
Also the gleaming ducts that are cleaner than John Ashcroft's sphincter are filled with rats. And the rats never, ever shit through the grating and their poop never triggers the aforementioned floor sensors.
Sound travels through a vacuum.
Detectives who are honest and not on the take can afford really nice clothes and large apartments in New York/San Francisco
In space, constant thrust = constant velocity.
Projectiles that look like lasers don't travel at the speed of light even though they are light.
That the pool guy/plumber/lost dude always gets the girl (or girls) home alone and horny. WTF?
Quote from: Jumptship on December 15, 2010, 02:11:01 AM
That the pool guy/plumber/lost dude always gets the girl (or girls) home alone and horny. WTF?
Love those movies!!! [thumbsup]
That a Desmosedici makes a good two up ride. At least they wore helmets.
Quote from: Porsche Monkey on December 17, 2010, 05:39:52 AM
That a Desmosedici makes a good two up ride. At least they wore helmets.
Especially during winter with the exhaust shooting up your crotch.