The Monarch of Mucus
The Pharaoh of Phlegm
The Lord of Lung Butter
and
The Satrap of Sinus Sludge
head colds suck
I am smellin' like the rose
that somebody gave me on
my birthday deathbed
I am smellin' like the rose
that somebody gave me
'cause I'm dead & bloated
I am the walrus.
Ha!
I'd rather have a pussy head cold than the type of flu where (in addition to fever, body- and headaches) brown liquid shoots out your ass every 45 minutes.
:-\
Stop!! No more. You win with that one! [puke]
Quote from: DucHead on December 28, 2010, 08:29:16 AM
Ha!
I'd rather have a pussy head cold than the type of flu where (in addition to fever, body- and headaches) brown liquid shoots out your ass every 45 minutes.
:-\
The Duke of Discharges
Quote from: DucHead on December 28, 2010, 08:29:16 AMI'd rather have a pussy head cold than the type of flu where (in addition to fever, body- and headaches) brown liquid shoots out your ass every 45 minutes.
The Squire of Squirts?
the Ruler of Runs?
the lord of leakage
The Reagent of Rectal Regurgitation
Quote from: Mother on December 28, 2010, 09:35:37 AM
The Reagent of Rectal Regurgitation
Doesn't regurgitation mean that something is coming back out of somewhere after it once went in there? So what're you doing stuffing food up your ass? [laugh]
Quote from: erkishhorde on December 28, 2010, 10:05:04 AM
Doesn't regurgitation mean that something is coming back out of somewhere after it once went in there? So what're you doing stuffing food up your ass? [laugh]
That's OK - "reagent" means a component of a reaction, such as a chemical. Not at all like a regent.
The Tsar of Turgid Torrents
The Emperor of Excretion
I am.... Trying to eat lunch here! :p
The Master Blaster.
Quote from: DucHead on December 28, 2010, 08:29:16 AM
Ha!
I'd rather have a pussy head cold than the type of flu where (in addition to fever, body- and headaches) brown liquid shoots out your ass every 45 minutes.
:-\
Or worse, the urge to retch occurs as frequently, forcing you to have to choose which orifice to purge.
I could tell you an awful story of a friend who experienced such an event, who chose to retch, and simultaneously textured the bathroom from the opposite end.....but I won't. ;)
Quote from: Speedbag on December 28, 2010, 02:22:43 PM
I could tell you an awful story of a friend who experienced such an event, who chose to retch, and simultaneously textured the bathroom from the opposite end.....but I won't. ;)
Thank you for almost not telling that story. I'm really close to appreciating your consideration. ;)
You're welcome.
Quote from: Speedbag on December 28, 2010, 02:22:43 PM
Or worse, the urge to retch occurs as frequently, forcing you to have to choose which orifice to purge.
I could tell you an awful story of a friend who experienced such an event, who chose to retch, and simultaneously textured the bathroom from the opposite end.....but I won't. ;)
the sultan of splatter
[roll]
Boys.
I am...
Recovered from a chest cold. Slightly less miserable, but no less productive, than a head cold. Also more irritating to those around me. Jury's out on whether that's a bad thing. ;)
Also,
... The Duke of Deuce.
Quote from: Speedbag on December 28, 2010, 02:22:43 PM
Or worse, the urge to retch occurs as frequently, forcing you to have to choose which orifice to purge.
I could tell you an awful story of a friend who experienced such an event, who chose to retch, and simultaneously textured the bathroom from the opposite end.....but I won't. ;)
We used to have wicker wastebaskets in our home......not no mo. Insert hideous anecdote here.
Sorry stella, potty humor is part of being a "boy".
The Poobah of Poo.
The Sharif of Sharts
You guys seriously need to stop this. Seriously! [bang] [puke] :P
The Earl of Emesis
The Vicar of the Void
The Cleric of Colostomy
The Ayatollah of Assahola
The Sultan of Stain
The Sire of Skidmarks
The Viscount of Evacuations
Quote from: Stella on December 28, 2010, 05:48:51 PM
[roll]
Boys.
I will have you know I am a 59 year old male whose degree of dire illness has triggered a need to lead a headlong charge into a level of puerile imbecility rarely demonstrated by credible adults [moto]
The President of Excrement
Quote from: RAT900 on December 29, 2010, 04:42:17 AM
I will have you know I am a 59 year old male whose degree of dire illness has triggered a need to lead a headlong charge into a level of puerile imbecility rarely demonstrated by credible adults [moto]
Except on the DMF where it is common.
Quote from: humorless dp on December 29, 2010, 05:58:58 AM
Except on the DMF where it is common.
True-that....DMF is like a debilitating virus that triggers all manner of psychological, emotional and spiritual malfunction [thumbsup]
Quote from: RAT900 on December 29, 2010, 06:02:05 AM
True-that....DMF is like a debilitating virus that triggers all manner of psychological, emotional and spiritual malfunction [thumbsup]
You're way too excited about that. [laugh]
Carry on.
I do my level-best!
...hung over
:-X
I need [bacon]
Quote from: The Bacon Junkie on December 29, 2010, 06:56:55 AM
...hung over
:-X
I need [bacon]
A large 3 gooey egg with rubbery undercooked bacon sammich on a roll topped with catsup
washed back with 2 to 3 cans (never bottles must be cans) of Pepsi
you have to trust me on this one...and I would know if anyone does
it really works
My dog is the Prince of Poo.
... the one and only [coffee]
(sorry, no transatlantic shit stories)
Quote from: Little Monkey Toes on December 29, 2010, 08:06:47 AM
My dog is the Prince of Poo.
We might have a couple contenders for that title in our household.
Quote from: Randimus Maximus on December 29, 2010, 08:10:28 AM
We might have a couple contenders for that title in our household.
95 pound of dog on day 4 of diarrhea....
The Doge of Diarrhea
Quote from: RAT900 on December 29, 2010, 08:26:42 AM
The pooch of putrid puddings
[laugh]
Unfortunately, I have a pretty good vision of that.
The Pope of Poop
The Saint of Taint
The Dali Lama of Smelly Smegma
The Commissar of Colonic Calamity
Quote from: Speedbag on December 28, 2010, 02:22:43 PM
I could tell you an awful story of a friend who experienced such an event, who chose to retch, and simultaneously textured the bathroom from the opposite end.....but I won't. ;)
Almost every parent can tell you they have "that bucket/large tupperware." (I prefer the large tupperware for the car, it comes with a lid and the bucket type for the house.) So the simultaneous event is covered in my house. ;)
Quote from: The Architect on December 29, 2010, 11:04:05 AM
Almost every parent can tell you they have "that bucket/large tupperware." (I prefer the large tupperware for the car, it comes with a lid and the bucket type for the house.) So the simultaneous event is covered in my house. ;)
I've had a two gallon plastic paint bucket next to my bunk at hunt camp for about 8 years now. Let's just say there was a pork loin, saurkraut, crown royal, buddys brand new Ruger #1 incident. Friggin mummy bag zippers!
Quote from: rgramjet on December 29, 2010, 12:43:39 PM
............ Friggin mummy bag zippers!
I am crying with laughter....I can visualize the desperate squirming and writhing like some tormented Houdini attempting to struggle out of the locked and chained straightjacket before a fate worse than death itself [laugh] [clap]
ah yes
the mummy bag lesson
there are several things to keep in mind when in the woods with
"friends"
one of those lessons is that you sleep with you pants on
and
you put your socks and boots in the bottom of the bag with you
as well as your knife in your pocket
epoxy happy mother make the beast with two backsers
Quote from: RAT900 on December 29, 2010, 12:49:41 PM
I am crying with laughter....I can visualize the desperate squirming and writhing like some tormented Houdini attempting to struggle out of the locked and chained straightjacket before a fate worse than death itself [laugh] [clap]
+1
"omg......
OMG......
OMFG! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"
[laugh]
I work with 35-45 dogs a day. I spend at least an hour picking up pooh of various sizes, lengths, consistencies, shapes and smells. One thing I can tell you though is this...do not give your dog turkey gravy, or beef gravy made from the drippings. Nothing like 45 dogs with the runs.... and the smell. Always lovely. [puke]
This thread is awful.Glad I could contribute! :-*
... The Chief of Chunder. (Google it, foreigners ;))
... The Nautical Nauseator.
... A Shite Cleric.
... The Emissary of Emetics ;D.
The Caliph of CaCa (inspirational credit goes to Ungeheuer with his Shite Cleric)
The Grand Poobah of Poopah!
Quote from: rgramjet on December 28, 2010, 09:06:08 PM
The Ayatollah of Assahola
LOL...you win...someone dig up a prize.
Quote from: Mother on December 29, 2010, 01:33:05 PM
ah yes
the mummy bag lesson
there are several things to keep in mind when in the woods with
"friends"
one of those lessons is that you sleep with you pants on
and
you put your socks and boots in the bottom of the bag with you
as well as your knife in your pocket
epoxy happy mother make the beast with two backsers
The worst part is there was no epoxy involved.......
Just gallons of saurkraut/half chewed pork laden, wretched, vomit shooting out at an unmeasurable velocity......all over my friends brand new, unfired Ruger #1 in 45-70. He placed it under the cot, action open for "safe keeping". The room is small, maybe 12x18 and the 6 cots are in two rows of 3, about 12" apart.
Its been said that I howled with laughter as I purged, then fell back asleep.
My one friend that claimed to sleep through this disaster (and not help clean up) later admitted that there was an open knothole in the pine cabin wall through which a stream of clean, cool air poured through.
I bought the cleanup crew a 12 pack of green bottle each for their efforts.
Circa 1968 or 1969...Fillmore East...Steve Winwood or Dave Mason and friends...I forget...very hazy era
I convince a buddy to go see them with me...2 six packs of Carlsberg Elephant Malts and 1/4 ounce of Temple Ball Hash convinced him it was a good idea...hanging out with me was rarely a good idea back then.
Billy Graham used the Hells Angels as "ushers" in the Fillmore East and they brought a very special no-nonsense finesse to audience-management. If they saw a lighter fire up they would get on you fast...so my friend who was now 5 malts into the evening ate about 2 or 3 grams worth of the Hash after we really started pissing off the ushers and were getting close to being dragged out.....very bad idea this stuff was deadly to smoke...ingesting it was a guaranteed shift into a whole other dimension.
So the band is up on stage rocking on....40,000 Headmen or something....the noise wakes up my buddy....he leans forward and projectile vomits down the back of the mellow hippy dude sitting in front of him...Hippy stands up and sees how flat-out semi-conscious wasted my pal is...he decides to be mellow and cool about it and I give him a chunk of Temple Hash to play with.....
So the guy gets up and heads off to the bathroom to clean up....he is gone for about 10 minutes....long enough for my pal to come-around again, lean forward and puke again all over the back of the guy's seat and seat cushion....pal passes out again just as the mellow Hippy dude, now bare-chested is making his way back from the aisle to his seat
I was too stoned and drunk to make up my mind if I should tell the guy or just wait to see what happens....I decide to wait and see...the guy has his rinsed and wrung-out shirt over his shoulder...he sits down again...within about a half second which seemed like an eternity to me...I watch the guys face twist into a mask of rage that was pretty scary....Hippy stands up turns around and lunges at my unconscious friend choking him and hitting him
Now the "ushers" see this commotion...and it is the kind of stuff that is right up their alley....violence that needs the application of greater violence....three of these large emissaries of Sonny Barger's paradise start trampling over people to get at the incident, smacking anyone who complained as they stepped on them...arriving at our little nest of mayhem they are trying to size up who gets the escort to the alley
I look up at them, point at the hippy and say "he just went nuts on my buddy for no reason...must be on a bad Acid trip or something"...that was good enough for them...they drag the shirtless puke encrusted hippy over people seated alongside his vomit-pot seat...he is screaming and protesting and trying to explain the incident which only further provokes the Angels and they start giving him ham-fisted jabs to the face...I hear one of them say in outrage " this make the beast with two backser puked himself"
I dumped my buddy on his lawn at the end of the night...he called me the next day to ask if it was a good show and he wanted to know if he enjoyed it....I assured him he had a great time...the best...and maybe someday he would get wasted enough again to remember it........
Christmas Day my wife had the stomach bug, the day after my son had it, and now it's all mine for the taking. Don't you just love the holidays? The spirit of sharing is in the air... and on the floor, and in the toilet, and half of my furniture (my son is two and a half). This blows.
Oh yeah...
The Pontificator of Puke
....drunk earlier than I have possibly ever been before. Scotch & old school Pink Floyd at 6 a.m. makes everything better, right?
Quote from: DesmoLu on December 31, 2010, 04:19:18 AM
....drunk earlier than I have possibly ever been before. Scotch & old school Pink Floyd at 6 a.m. makes everything better, right?
Pink Floyd always works 8)
Quote from: stopintime on December 31, 2010, 05:27:28 AM
Pink Floyd always works 8)
& scotch. don't forget the scotch too!
Quote from: DesmoLu on December 31, 2010, 05:33:34 AM
& scotch. don't forget the scotch too!
my wife's poison of choice too! [thumbsup]
i applaud all women who chose hard liquor over girl drinks! [thumbsup]
Quote from: DesmoLu on December 31, 2010, 05:50:50 AM
i applaud all women who chose hard liquor over girl drinks! [thumbsup]
True Dat!
Quote from: DesmoLu on December 31, 2010, 05:50:50 AM
i applaud all women who chose hard liquor over girl drinks! [thumbsup]
beer gets her drunk, scotch just makes her calm
I am proud of all of you for thread-jacking this pathetic topic beyond any possible recognition
We would need dental records to identify it
[thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [clap] [clap] [clap]
Without Humorless intervention! A feat unto itself!! Maybe the red button is broken??
[thumbsup]
Quote from: rgramjet on December 31, 2010, 06:23:02 AM
Without Humorless intervention! A feat unto itself!! Maybe the red button is broken??
[thumbsup]
It works fine. ;D
Hey there Big Brother! ;)
[bacon]
Quote from: RAT900 on December 31, 2010, 06:20:58 AM
I am proud of all of you for thread-jacking this pathetic topic beyond any possible recognition
We would need dental records to identify it
[thumbsup] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [clap] [clap] [clap]
but you and DP are old enough that your threads lack teeth [cheeky]
A proper threadjack is subtle art....sharp teeth will get that button pushed well before thoughts can be posted.
Nothing worse than having something poignant to add to a locked thread.....
I haven't posted OR been to a dentist in way too long. This be some serious thread jacking over here!
Quote from: rgramjet on December 28, 2010, 09:06:08 PM
The Ayatollah of Assahola
Quote from: rgramjet on December 31, 2010, 06:34:11 AM
A proper threadjack is subtle art....sharp teeth will get that button pushed well before thoughts can be posted.
Nothing worse than having something poignant to add to a locked thread.....
Poignant...
like that? :P
Quote from: humorless dp on December 31, 2010, 06:45:45 AM
Poignant...
like that? :P
That was pretty good......a brilliant individual stated it was worthy of an award!
You should see what Ill have seconds AFTER this thread is locked!
Quote from: rgramjet on December 31, 2010, 06:50:35 AM
That was pretty good......a brilliant individual stated it was worthy of an award!
You should see what Ill have seconds AFTER this thread is locked!
It almost seems like you're goading me into locking it.
There is another solution to solve the assache a wiseass creates you know. [evil]
Quote from: humorless dp on December 31, 2010, 07:31:54 AM
It almost seems like you're goading me into locking it.
There is another solution to solve the assache a wiseass creates you know. [evil]
a stern talking to?
Quote from: KnightofNi on December 31, 2010, 07:47:17 AM
a stern talking to?
ahhhh hmmmm....why yes!!.....the drastic Canadian approach to punishing axe murderers and other egregious offenders...the
STERN talking to
Quote from: RAT900 on December 31, 2010, 07:54:05 AM
ahhhh hmmmm....why yes!!.....the drastic Canadian approach to punishing axe murderers and other egregious offenders...the STERN talking to
i know that's all a rabble rouser like yourself needs to straighten out.
you will see the error of your ways and feel shame for what you have done.
ohh wait, you're rat....nevermind. [cheeky]
Quote from: RAT900 on December 31, 2010, 07:54:05 AM
ahhhh hmmmm....why yes!!.....the drastic Canadian approach to punishing axe murderers and other egregious offenders...the STERN talking to
How's that working out for them?
Quote from: humorless dp on December 31, 2010, 07:31:54 AM
There is another solution to solve the assache a wiseass creates you know. [evil]
Burn him! He's a witch! He turned me into a newt! ...well, I got better. ;)
[bacon]
Quote from: humorless dp on December 31, 2010, 08:14:37 AM
How's that working out for them?
Probably better than anything we're doing down here....Ca. is one of the few remaining nations on the face of the planet where I believe the inhabitants still have a sense of shame and embarrassment when exposed for poor behavior
A harshly served public comeuppance can leave the (non-Quebecian) Frosty devastated for life....
In the case of the french-canadians, I believe they are operating under an ethics code that is, and will be,, under study and interpretation for centuries before sense can be made of it
Where-as down here getting caught means a quick jaunt to a rehab for treatment of the appropriate dysfunction that has been exposed...then book-rights, movie-rights and perhaps a career in politics
My pup the pooper
he holds himself high
straining with might
splatters go everywhere
down, left and right
but not a drop on him
when it is all over
he hops with might
my pup the pooper
is a comical sight
:-X
;)
[bacon]
Quote from: Little Monkey Toes on December 31, 2010, 09:09:59 AM
My pup the pooper
he holds himself high
straining with might
splatters go everywhere
down, left and right
but not a drop on him
when it is all over
he hops with might
my pup the pooper
is a comical sight
He pounces and scampers
with greatest finesse
I walk behind him
to clean up the mess
It just gets better and better with every page.
Green Jelly - MISADVENTURES OF SHITMAN (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQwwVX4GbSw#normal)
Explosive Diarrhea (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi8yeO3EpYM#normal)
It's amazing what you can find on youtube.
What amuses me is the overall mildness of the initial threadjack. A liquid cacophony of backside pressure washing (I really tried to go with alliteration, but nothing worked) isn't that overtly far from just generally being ill.
The real threadjack was everyone talking about the supposed severity of the threadjack and coming up with clever names for ass blastery along with the Monty Python references and You Tube videos.
Bravo, everyone. Bravo [clap]
Quote from: Jarvicious on December 31, 2010, 05:53:47 PM
clever names for ass blastery
I'm sorry, was there more to that post? because that was all I read. [laugh]