Tools of the Trade

[DucNaked]

Stolen from adv rider.

Enjoy 


Such valuable info, especially for the handyman and the woman who lives with one.

----- This should make your day...it is a little long but needs to be read to the end....




DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light .
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh _ t!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes ,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut a good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the
name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being
able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index
finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B _ TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy
tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b _ tch!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative/educational.

I'm sure we all have even more tools than that in our arsenal.


Have a Great Day!

[the_Journeyman]

I have also found the SON-OF-A-pregnant dog tool referred to as the DAMMIT tool

JM

[Duc Buz]

yep

[Speedbag]

I own and use all of those tools as intended.

[lazylightnin717]

I'm particularly fond of the drill press as I see it happen every day at work and it never gets old.

The best part is when the individual tries to grab the part that's spinning instead of turning the mill off.

And then there is the "look of shame" associated with looking like a dumbass after you do such a thing.

Good stuff I tell yah

[fastwin]

That list cracks me up!! Thanks for making my morning. I seem to have a make the beast with two backs!!!!!! tool in every drawer of my roll away tool box. Apparently I use them more often than the SOB and Dammit versions.

[badgalbetty]

I have also found the SON-OF-A-pregnant dog tool referred to as the DAMMIT tool

you found my old flat iron?