DMF joke thread

[r_ciao]

ADULT TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ciao!

 

[zooom]

#'S 4 & 23 get a HUGE thumbs up in agreement from me!

[the_Journeyman]

#10 will become my new sig.

I love #24.

JM

[fastwin]

I approve of them all!! My wife was doing some laundry in the next room and heard me laughing... yep, you guessed it, she said "now what's so damn funny on your Ducati board". She claims she was too busy to read the joke. Her loss.

[dolci]

Love #10.  there's a bar in Baltimore named "Bad Decisions"

http://www.makeabaddecision.com/Bad_Decisions/Home.html

[Nitewaif]

I can't take any credit for this one - I read it on a greeting card tonight. 

Pic on front of 2 June Cleaver housewife-looking ladies.

Lady #1  "Do you have any idea what you are getting for Valentine's Day?"
Lady #2  *sigh*  "Yes, Bob always gets me a dozen roses.  It's a given."
Lady #1  "What's wrong with roses"
Lady #2   "Every time Bob gives me flowers, he has expectations afterwards, and I don't want to spend the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."
Lady #1  "Don't you have a vase?"

 

[Jaman]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

[fastwin]

 

[Rob Hilding]

Jill helped Jack,

Off the Elephant

[Monsterlover]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

Rofl

[slowpoke13]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Cleveland Browns.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a
truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Browns go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
 
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
 
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
 
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland !!"

[fastwin]

  Good one! Never saw it coming.

[Punx Clever]

My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

[Oldfisti]

7 degrees of Blonde...
 

>FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.  The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.  The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear.'


>SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.  One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.  She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

 
>THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.  She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.  Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is overcome with grief.  She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

 
>FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


>FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

 
>SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
 
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .

 
>SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.  The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
 
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.  Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen.  I call the police for help, and what
do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[Desert Dust]

These blonde jokes are awesome! 

Do you know how a blonde turns on the light after having sex?

She opens the car door.