DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

Two old people were flirting at a seniors' singles bar.

After a few drinks, the old man asked the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replied shyly, "Depends.”

"Depends on what?" he asked.

She answered, “On my bottom – where else?”

[ducpainter]

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

[ducpainter]

Out at our airport there was a crusty old retired crop duster turned part time flight instructor named Dana. He was as rough as they come, one of the first generation of duster pilots. He flew open cockpit PT 17 Stearmans spreading DDT dust. With no windshield, only a 3/4” wind deflector , he constantly strained against the wind on his helmet which caused his neck to muscle up to where it was as big as his head like a
turtle.
There was a spoiled, very rich farmer’s son who had just soloed, the ink was still wet on his license and he thought that gave him street cred among the old guys that had been flying for years before he was even a gleam in his daddy’s eye. He sidled up beside Dana and to start the conversation he said “Boy, do I have a headache!”
In situations like this Dana was a man of few words. He replied “shouldn’t have drank that last beer last night “. The kid said “I don’t drink “ then Dana said “well, you shouldn’t have smoked that last cigarette last night “ and the boy replied “I don’t smoke”. Getting ticked off that this complete waste of his time had gone on this long, he said “well you shouldn’t have stayed out all night” and the kid quickly replied “ I get 8 hours of sleep every night “
That was the last straw! Dana blurted out “No wonder you’ve got a headache you smart assed little shit, your make the beast with two backsing halo is too tight “

[ducpainter]

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

“Whoa there, Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“
No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad … It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”