DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A newlywed couple went out for a drive in the country.

As they were going along, the woman started getting horny and began flirting with her husband, who was definitely into it.

They both agreed they had to have it RIGHT THEN and they were way out in the middle of nowhere so it seemed safe enough.

The husband pulled the car off the road, parked and started getting into the back seat.

His wife said, “We can’t screw back there! It’s too cramped!”

“You’re right,” he replied, “but I haven’t seen a car from miles…Wanna do it in the road?”

The woman got excited, tore off her clothes and screamed “YEAH!” so they went at it in the middle of the road.

A mile away a trucker in an 18-wheeler was driving along and when he noticed something l in the road he started blasting away on his horn.

As he got closer he realized that it was a young couple, bare-ass naked, screwing their damned brains out in the middle of the road.

He started slowing down and blasting away on the horn but they weren’t moving.

So, still slowing down, he laid on the horn until  the 18-wheeler was just inches from their heads.

The trucker jumped out, ran around to the front and started screaming “YOU IDIOTS! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS? DIDN’T YOU SEE MY TRUCK?! DIDN’T YOU HEAR THE HORN? COULDN’T YOU TELL I WAS COMING?

The husband looked up at the trucker and said “Look, man, I was coming, she was coming, you were coming and you were the only one with brakes.”

[Randimus Maximus]

I had been set up a blind date about a year ago but was worried about what to do if her pic was fake and she was really short & unattractive.

My neighbor told me not to worry because there’s an app for that.

It’s called “Mom, Are You OK?”

You schedule it to ring your phone just after you meet your date.

If you like her you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut the date short, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

“It works every time,” my neighbor said. “No worries."
 
When the woman knocked on my door I opened it there stood a tall beautiful woman! - absolutely gorgeous! Better looking than her picture.

But just as I was about to invite her in for a pre-date drink, her phone rang, she answered it and said, “Mom?…

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Three tortoises, Rod, Roger and Gary, decided to go on a picnic. Rod packed the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

The picnic site was 10 miles away, so it took them 10 days to get there.

When they got there Rod unpacked the food and beer.

“OK Gary,” said Rod, “give me the bottle opener.”

“I didn’t bring it,” said Gary. "I thought you packed it.”

They both looked at Roger who said, “I didn’t bring it.”

So they were they were, 10 miles from home without a bottle opener.

Rod and Roger begged Gary to go back and get it, but he snorted and said, “Forget it, you’ll eat all  the sandwiches while I’m gone.”

The other two ganged up on them and finally convinced him to go back and get the bottle opener.

Three days went by, then five, then finally a whole week and Rod said, “Screw this, let’s eat the sandwiches.” as Gary crawled out from behind a rock and said, “I knew you’d eat the sandwiches!”