DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning.

The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[Duck-Stew]

That's a good one!

[Randimus Maximus]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own damn blanket!!!"

[ducpainter]

In the days leading up to Christmas, everything started going wrong for Santa.

First, four of his best elves came down sick, and the trainees just couldn't keep up.

Toy production slowed to a crawl, and Santa felt the pressure building.

Then Mrs Claus mentioned, ever so casually, "Santa... my mother is coming to stay with us for the holidays."

That didn't help his stress one bit.

When Santa went out to harness the reindeer, he discovered that three were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and wandered off into the snow somewhere.

Trying to stay calm, Santa began loading the sleigh — only for one of the floorboards to crack in half, sending the entire bag of toys tumbling to the ground and scattering everywhere.

Fed up, Santa stomped back inside for a cup of apple cider... with a little rum.

But when he opened the cupboard, he found that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

He sighed, reached for another jug of cider, and promptly dropped it, shattering it into a thousand pieces across the kitchen floor.

He went to grab the broom, only to discover that the mice had chewed all the straw off the end.

At that very moment, the doorbell rang.

An exhausted, irritated Santa yanked the door open — and there stood a little angel, smiling from ear to ear, holding a giant Christmas tree.

With the brightest voice imaginable, the angel chirped, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a wonderful day?

I brought you this beautiful Christmas tree! Now... where would you like me to stick it?"

And that, my friends, is how the tradition of putting the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.

[ducpainter]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a
limp!!!
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something
in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Randimus Maximus]

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

[Randimus Maximus]

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket.

Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.'

As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.'

We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.'

'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'

[ducpainter]

Technically not a joke, but it cracked me up...

[Randimus Maximus]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing my ass off out here!"

[Randimus Maximus]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

[ducpainter]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM:  Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's

[Randimus Maximus]

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.

Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

[Randimus Maximus]

Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."