Friday Funnies??

[Jukie]

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )

A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Jukie]

This is from Dragon

The Booze Bus
 
Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". 
Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, Thanks!'
 
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me!'
 
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'
 
The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'
 
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.  'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac,
And I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'
 
By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
 
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
 
The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
 
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister of  this lovely country of Australia - he's apologised, and says that  you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!'

[dragonworld.]

 Point to ponder?? 
 
 Why is it when your  wife becomes pregnant, all her
female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations”.”
 
But none of them rub your dick and say “well done”


Any ofthe more recent dads on the Forum care to comment?? 
 
 
 

[dragonworld.]

 

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
 

[Jukie]

i think we have had this one before  dear dragon

[dragonworld.]

It just hit my Inbox so I posted it!!


I'm just a bit SSLLLOOOOWWWWW!! 

[Jukie]

no you not your just you 

[FIFO]

A Tassie farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
 

[FIFO]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

 

[Justo]

Which cruel prick decided "Lisp" should be spelt with an "s'?

 

[brimo]

 http://bulletproofbaby.net/ 

[Jukie]

OMFG are those guys crazy, i just cant stop shaking my head, what was she thinking

WRONG WRONG WRONG

[dragonworld.]

Go on Jukie, tell me this one has been on already!! 

If it has you can spank me. 


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.


Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.  After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
 
The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
 
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
 
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.


Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!   
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
 
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
 
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

 

 

[Jukie]

no haven't see this one, so no spanking you yet. stupid blonde, i can say that now iam one of them 

[dragonworld.]

Anyone guilty?? 



I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was feeling a bit lonely so
I  thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.  It
was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her bum.
You know the kind.


So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.


"Hello" the woman says...she sounded sexy.


"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and  give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone  and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want  it  now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long. You name it, we'll
do  it.  Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of
tricks. We'll  go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap-on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound"








 She says, "Sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press
9."