Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

THIS WAS NOMINATED FOR BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR - WORTH SHARING

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '
The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Syria !'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I from Iran , I am not from Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ......'Probably at work'

IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!

[dragonworld.]

Irish Burial at Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a Seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their Promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'


WAIT FOR IT. . . . .






'Aye' tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'
 

[dragonworld.]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it.."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
 
 
 

[dragonworld.]

The Bell Ringer!! 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame
Sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
Went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.


After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to
Call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he
Was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.


'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
Melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found
A replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
Tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
Street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church
Steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
Fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment
Before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

( scroll down )

 

 

 

 



BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL!'

 
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more...

 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
Heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
Of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
Yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him
In this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
Groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
Rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'

Wait for it
(It's worth it)...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER!'



 
   




   

[Two dogs]

  xxxxxxxxx
 A recent  survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on  the dish washer.
 I find  that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the  trick.

[dragonworld.]

  xxxxxxxxx
 A recent  survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on  the dish washer.
 I find  that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the  trick.

 

[Two dogs]

 
  My  girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.  Whether she's right or not,


 I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at  all!





 
  Two men  are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same  thing.

 One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers,
the other  is having a blowjob from an 85 year old woman...What are they both  thinking?


 
  Whatever  you do Don't look down, just don't look down...

[dragonworld.]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,
" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you? 
 

   


   



 

[Two dogs]

Blonde girl in a car crash :

"I think I have concussion"


paramedic asks:
"how many fingers do I have up"


she replies


"oh make the beast with two backs Im paralysed too "

[monstermick58]

I rang the radio today to win a competition.
They asked:
"What’s the name of the race that stops the nation".
I said: "Aboriginal" and they hung up............







                                    Mmick

[Two dogs]

Marriage is like a deck of cards:

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.


By the end all you wish you had was a club and a spade.

[brimo]

Man goes in to a pet shop and says, "I'm thinking of getting a goldfish, do you have any?"
pet shop person says "sure do, do you want an aquarium?"
Man says, "I don't give a f@(# what it's star sign is mate, I just want a goldfish"

[dragonworld.]

BEST QUOTE SO FAR .....

"...and then God created the orgasm, so that women can moan even when they are happy."

 
 

[Jukie]

You guys gee wizzie

[Two dogs]

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 50th birthday and she was a bit

lonely.

 

 

 

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books

for escorts and sensual massages."

 

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling

himself Tender Tony. A very handsome man with assorted physical skills

flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places,

thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she

felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum....

 

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

 

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy !

 

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi,

I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and

give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone

and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring

implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag

of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in

chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready !! 

 

Now how does that sound?"

 

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an

outside line."