Friday Funnies??

[dragonworld.]

Havent spotted this yet, so here goes (Again)

I've had one of these!!!

Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks:
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild

9...Semi trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.

8...Opening your boot includes finding a screwdriver.

7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.

5...The motor is so loud you cant hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.

4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.

3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.

2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or shitbox.

1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured

[Dockstrada]

Warning Adults only past this point

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
 She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
 

 

[Dockstrada]

Warning Adults only past this point


2 sperm swimming sids by side.
1 says to the other ,How long till we reach the ovaries mate?
The other says F#%king miles mate we've only just reached her tonsils!

[dragonworld.]

Warning Adults only past this point!!



1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

[goldFiSh]

I think this thread generally should be tagged NSFW (Not safe for work)

Generally most jokes in here could be borderline (or crossing the line)

[KO801]

I've seen some pretty funny forwards of those 'motivation' pics. Here is one i thought you would appreciate

[Spider]

nice poster KO, do you have "Ducati: because if you wanted to ride an ugly bike you'd have bought a Suzuki"

anyway:

Man walks into the bedroom with a lamb under his arm, his wife looks up in alarm.

Man proclaims "this is the pig I sleep with when you won't put out"

Wife proclaims "hey, buthead, that's a sheep not a pig"

Man says to wife "I wasn't talking to you!"

[dragonworld.]

I've got three dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack! He was laughing so hard he dropped his goods and staggered out the door.

Stupid pregnant dog...why else would I buy dog food??

[dragonworld.]

For all you fellas who like to find a niche for your women, and the ladies who like to categorise themselves in this computer age???
Could go the other way too I guess??


Which Type Of Woman do you like ?

 

·         HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!

·         WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

·         EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

·         SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

·         INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!

·         SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

·         MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

·         CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

·         E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

·         VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing

[dragonworld.]

PFFFFFFFFFFFTTT Here you are ladies!! One for you 


For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like . Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


 
 

[Super T.I.B]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a
Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide
to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
      Who do you guess will win?

      Your answer will reflect your personality.

      So think carefully . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

      Got your answer

      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      Now scroll down to see the analysis.











      If your answer is:





      Lion = you're dull.





      Chimpanzee = you're a moron.





      Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.





      Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.










      A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



      Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some
time off and relax! Try again next year.

[dragonworld.]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device.

A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids." 

[dragonworld.]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.



A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[dragonworld.]

������������ MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer or a digital camera�it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Chile,�Honduras, or Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car -�it will go to Japan............

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and bugger all of it will help the Australian economy.
�
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitution and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

Thank you for your help.

Kevin��Rudd��&��Wayne��Swan .

[Six95]

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE for 2007


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.