Need advice on a family situation

[Timmy Tucker]

I'm in quite the pickle and I don't know how to approach it. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but you might want to settle in with a frosty beverage and some lemon bars.

The story:
I started a very small construction company about 3.5 years ago. I took my dad on as my business partner because he was jobless at the time.

Some important facts: My sole purpose was to make enough money to get back in school. It was never about building up a thriving construction company. I wanted to quit in about 5-7 years, finish up flight school and get a college degree. Dad also knows this, I made that very clear when he came aboard. Also, I'm the one w/ the know-how and I can do the work almost as fast w/o him. Not bragging, just the facts.

Fast forward to today... with the serious downturn in housing, we are barely scraping by. Most months we can't afford to pay all of our bills. And, there doesn't look to be an end to it anytime soon. Also, the savings we had were used up when he had his heart attack last fall.

Mom and I have been gently pushing him to get another job and let me keep the business. It would benefit everyone involved. They'd make more than enough money to get by and I'd be able to survive w/ the little bit of business we have now and still go to school at least part time.

The current situation is that mom is leaving him and they are losing everything because he won't do anything about their financial situation. Simply put, he's lazy and doesn't want to go get a full time job. He's gotten used to only working 2-4 days a week and doesn't want to give that up. He even passed up a job last month in his old career field making 3 times what he does now because he "just didn't feel like it". I'm tired of not being able to get on with my life and I need to do something about it. If I let things go on, I'll still be in this exact same situation 10 years from now. 

 How do I approach this? I really don't want to be an asshole about it but I don't see any other way than just telling him to leave. I could just go get a regular job and he'd be left w/ no choice but to do the same, but that seems fairly passive-aggressive. Or, do I suck it up, just keep on with things the way they are, since he's family. One family member told me she thinks I'm being selfish. How would you guys handle this? I feel like I'm being a girl thingy about it, but it's been going on for so long now, I've lost all my perspective.

[ducsix]

Sorry to hear about your situation.  If the picture you paint is close to reality (two sides of every story and all that) then you should be an asshole and firmly "ask" your dad to step to the side.  You have your own life to worry about, it's not fair for him to act as a permanent air brake to your own ambitions just because he's too lazy to take care of himself (and/or his family) properly. 

[mitt]

+1

I don't see any other healthy way out of this for you, other than to be honest and assertive.

mitt

[stopintime]

My guess is that he might be a little depressed. That often can be seen as "lazy" or passive from the outside. Best medicine is for him to start doing something/anything he really enjoys and is good at (collecting stamps, flyfishing, riding a bike, art work, you name it...). The thrill of it and the sensation of "success" can spark his inner wish to do something about the new job situation.

You're not doing him a favour by keeping him in your business. At least not long term. He might even feel less of a man in that situation and that only adds to the depressive state of mind.

Be open and straight forward. Work out a plan between the two of you, and stick to it. Step by step. Enjoyable activities - talk - job hunting plan - talk - riding your bike - talk - interviews - talk - and so on - and so on.

If you haven't guessed - I have done this to myself  

[NuTTs]

Sorry to hear about your situation.  If the picture you paint is close to reality (two sides of every story and all that) then you should be an asshole and firmly "ask" your dad to step to the side.  You have your own life to worry about, it's not fair for him to act as a permanent air brake to your own ambitions just because he's too lazy to take care of himself (and/or his family) properly. 

My thoughts exactly.

[Timmy Tucker]

If the picture you paint is close to reality (two sides of every story and all that) then you should be an asshole and firmly "ask" your dad to step to the side. 

I spent almost 2 hours writing and re-writing the original post to put as unbiased a spin on it as possible. If anything, I've painted the picture much nicer than it really is.

His real problem is that he has severe depression. We've tried everything to get him help, but he refuses to see a doc or go to a shrink. He refuses medication. He's got himself into that horrible cycle of depression where he thrives off of the misery and the self-loathing. He's alienated his whole side of the family, they only call or email now when someone dies. It's really quite sad. His attitude is what cost him his career in the first place and it's lost him a few of the jobs he's had since then. And whenever you try to talk to him about his depression, he turns it around to make everyone else the bad guy.

Nowadays, he just surfs Monster and Careerbuilder and randomly fires off the occasional resume. But he refuses to follow up on any of them. He has quite a few contacts from his old business world and could probably walk into a number of good jobs, but refuses to pursue. His train of thought is that if someone wants to hire him, they'll contact him. Several of us have tried to guide him on how to land a job, but he won't listen.


Edit: stopintime nailed it while I was typing my response.

[ducsix]

Man, that's tough.  He may not need a shrink to get on the right path, just someone outside the family with good counciling experience.  Maybe you could talk him into that?

[triangleforge]

Depression is a real bear on everyone concerned -- not news to you, or to him. He probably realizes he's dragging on you, too, which just feeds the cycle.

If he's not willing to get some help, ask around to see if you can find someone you trust who can advise YOU -- whether it's a paid counselor of some description or a third party who's not part of the current situation who has some relevant experience. Of the two, you may find that, even though finances are tight, paying someone qualified could be money very well spent.

I do know from my own experience that neither of the obvious choices (just keeping your head down and dealing with it, or confronting him  & telling him to just snap out of it) will yeild satisfactory results.

Good luck, TT. You've been dealt a pretty lousy hand, and I encourage you to find someone experienced who's completely on your side to help with playing it.

[stopintime]

Discussing it here is a good start, but you will need more help than we can offer. Silver lining is that you will learn and grow from this situation.
My deepest respect for your commitment to continue school wt:
Hope to see you here often, keep us posted - also on your Monster side of life

[c_rex]

I hear in your words that you know what you've got to do.  It isn't going to be easy.  Being firm does not mean that you don't love your Dad and as a parent he should know that.  Role reversal is not uncommon between parents/children so it's your turn to step up and help him realize that as much as we care for each other we have to do our part to take care of ourselves as much as possible.  Stay strong and keep looking forward.  What's done is done and solutions only come from action.

[Mduc]

Thats a crappy situation for you but for your own good and his you will have to be the "ass" If you dont fire or make him do it, the situation will always be the same or worst because he is comfy where he is without much effort. Plus if you dont do something about it now later will be even harder and you do want your own life as well. I seen many family members go down the drain because everyone felt sorry for them so they were not forced to take any action to better themselves.

I am no Dr, Freud but the sooner you lay it down for him the better off both of you will be. It will be uncomfortable and the whole conversation will be unplesant but it needs to be done.

[mstevens]

Well, speaking as a psychiatrist, the first recommendation I have for you is not to follow any advice you get on the internet.

My second bit of advice is that in a situation such as this one, you need to be wearing your business owner hat when you're making business decisions and your family member hat when making family decisions. I know it seems complicated when a family member is employed by your business, but that's why you need to compartmentalize.

My third bit of advice is to try to make the best decision for you, not the best decision for all concerned. No matter what you do, it sounds as if someone is going to end up disappointed and angry. There's nothing wrong with striving for an outcome in which that's not you.

My fourth piece of advice is not to take personal responsibility for someone else's depression. I know you feel sorry for your dad, but for some people it's almost like alcoholism - there may not be anything you can do to get him better besides encouraging and trying to be there if he ever does decide he wants to get better.

My final advice is not to follow any advice you get on the internet.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult situation.

[c_rex]

uh... didn't you just advise him not to take your advice?   

I'm teasing of course.  I can't help it.  It's genetic.  I'm a third generation (probably more) smart ass.

[He Man]

Facts of Life #948

no one said the old man taught you everything. Sometimes you must teach your old man. Give him the boot, tell him he needs to fend for himself for a while because hes dragging you down. Something i told alot of my friends, choose what you want to do in life because when you live your life for yourself. When you need to pay your bills, mommy and daddy will be gone. When your upset casue you cant deal with life casue you hate your job, mommy and daddy will be gone. Friends come and go, and you learn quickly that the only person you can truley depend on is yourself.

Family Rule #1

never lie to your family. unless their the mob. Just stick it to him straight.

[mstevens]

uh... didn't you just advise him not to take your advice?

Yep, I certainly did! He shouldn't listen to me any more than any other stranger who doles out advice on the 'net. Even if I am right. The posts that preceded mine give great advice, too. The OP should ignore that, as well, and make his own difficult decisions since he's the one that's got to live with the outcome, not us.