Disorder in the American Courts

[The Architect]

I got this in an email today.  I don't know how real they are but either way some of them are just plain funny.


Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:       He said, "Where am I, Julie?"
ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:       My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:       Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS:       He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you ****** me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:       Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:       By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:       Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____ _
ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:       Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:       All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight
____________ _________ _________ _________
ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:       Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:       The autopsy started around 8: 30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:       Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
and the best for last:   

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
_

[r_ciao]

i've heard that last one many times
always good 2 read again
others are funny 2

[Goat_Herder]

this is one of the many reasons why lawyers are going to hell

[Vindingo]

this is one of the many reasons why lawyers are going to hell

in the same handbasket as architects...   



(because Jesus was a carpenter)

[Big Troubled Bear]

Only in america

[GAAN]

in the same handbasket as architects...   



(because Jesus was a carpenter)

I don't think Jesus is a carpenter

we should ask him

or Lu

she would know

[The Architect]

in the same handbasket as architects...   



(because Jesus was a carpenter)

Not the first time this week I've heard that. 


You must be a carpenter, contractor or an ice cream man? 

[redxblack]

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

[The Architect]

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

Everybody knows that   

[redxblack]

Since we're cutnpasting job related email forward funnies, my dad sent this to me (I'm a teacher):

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these  funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much..

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11.. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Vindingo]

Not the first time this week I've heard that. 


You must be a carpenter, contractor or an ice cream man? 

Architect...

Thought a little self deprecating humor would be fun      though I do build furniture now