DMF joke thread

[Jaman]

THE CARING GRANDFATHER

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and drinks in the other aisles.
                             
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a  gentle controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."
                             
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say again "its okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."
                             
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
                             
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
                             
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.  That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."
                             
 
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... The little bastard's name is Kevin."...............

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

Oh damn! Another good one to start my day with! Thanks!

[Desert Dust]

The Errant Golf Shot

A husband and his wife were enjoying a round of golf until the fifth hole when the husband hooked his tee shot through the window of the green keeper’s storage shed. The couple entered the storage shed and saw the husband’s golf ball sitting in the middle of the shed. The wife offered to hold the door of the shed open so the husband could play his second shot. The husband agreed, but he accidentally sliced his second shot directly into his wife’s temple and killed her.

Several years later, the widower and his best friend were playing the same golf course, and on the fifth hole, the widower hit the exact same hook and his ball landed in the middle of the green keeper’s shed.

Friend: “I’ll hold the door open for you so you can play your second shot.”

Widower: “Sorry, but something so terrible happened here once and I can’t even think about it.”

Friend: “It’s okay, you can tell me.”

Widower: “No, it was so terrible I don’t even want to think about it.”

Friend: “Look, I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything. Don’t worry.”

Widower: “Okay, well, several years ago I hit the exact same hook and my ball landed in the exact same spot.”

Friend: “That doesn’t sound so bad.”

Widower: “Let me finish. It gets worse.”

Friend: “What happened?”

Widower: “I made a triple bogey on this freaking hole.” 
 

[Howie]

A  TRIP TO  ITALY

---  A young  New York woman was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,

But  just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a  handsome young man stopped  her.

"You have so much to live  for," said the man.  "I'm a sailor,
and we are off to Italy tomorrow.   I can stow you away  on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you  food every day, and keep you  happy."

With nothing to lose,  combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the  sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small
but  comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then  on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches,

a  bottle of red wine, and make love to her until  dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by  the captain
during a  routine inspection.

"What are  you doing here?" asked the  captain.

"I have an arrangement  with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy   .."

"I see," the captain  says.

Her conscience got the best  of her and she added,
"Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the  captain.  "This is the  Staten Island
Ferry."

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

  Damn near every day this week I have started my day off right with a good laugh! I love this thread.

[AJ]

  yup, that's a good one!!

[Goat_Herder]

THE CARING GRANDFATHER

LOL.  So true so true...  a true reflection of my own life

[FIFO]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,

staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face

and says: 

 

 

'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.  His buddies are confused,

because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

 

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,

the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad

but the biker still says nothing.

 

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,

your grandma liked it!'

 

At this point the biker stands up,

takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says....................

�

�

�

�

�

�

�

�

�

�

�

 

 

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

[Howie]

 On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

 After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to
the medicine man, and wondered what to expect.

 The old man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, "This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoonful and then
say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been
in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[ducpainter]

 

[akmnstr]

That's a great one

[sno_duc]

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man, Bob, in Florida had owned a nice size tract of land for several
years.  He had a small lake in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming and fishing, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old godger decided to go down to the lake, as he hadn't  been
there for a while, to look it over.


He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared
the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of shapely young women skinny-dipping 
in his lake.


He made some noise to make the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deeper end.


One of the women shouted to him,

'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the lake naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.


DP, got any kin in Florida?
 

[ducpainter]

as a matter of fact I do.