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DMF joke thread

Started by sno_duc, May 06, 2008, 01:31:31 PM

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fastwin

#1020
July 12, 2011, 06:01:11 AM
That's a good one! Keeping my record going of starting of my days with some coffee and the joke thread! [thumbsup]
I plan to list the Federal Gov't. as a dependent on my next 1040 tax filing!

I have flying honey badgers and I'm not afraid to use them!

The fact that flame throwers exist is proof that someone somewhere said "I'd sure like to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

CONFIDENCE: the feeling you have right before you understand the situation.

ryandalling

#1021
July 15, 2011, 04:20:30 PM
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked under my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Confused rider who doesn't know what he is even riding at the moment. (2012 URAL GearUp, 2012 Ninja 250 Racer, 1969 CB175 Racer)

silvy1200

#1022
July 15, 2011, 04:22:46 PM
 [laugh]
Sold ~ 03' Dark M800

Now ~ 01' Yellow 996

Goat_Herder

#1023
July 15, 2011, 06:07:46 PM
heeheeheeheehee  [laugh]
Goat Herder (Tony)
2003 Ducati Monster 620 - Yellow SOLD
2007 Ducati Monster S2R1000 - Black KILLED
2007 Ducati Monster S2R1000 - Red

ducpainter

#1024
July 16, 2011, 06:32:43 AM
Guy walks into a grocery store and into the produce dept. He looks around and walks up to the clerk and asks for a half head of lettuce.

The clerk replies...I'm sorry we only sell full heads.

Customer says...I can buy a half dozen eggs and a half pound of bacon...why not a half head of lettuce?

The clerk picks up a head of lettuce and asks the customer to wait right there and he'd go cut and wrap a half head for him.

As the clerk goes through the swinging doors at the back the store manager asks him what he's doing.

The clerk replies...There's some asshole outside that wants a half head of lettuce...and as he says it he sees that the customer has followed him...and quickly adds...and this gentleman wants the other half.

He fixes the customer up with his lettuce and sends him on his way.

The store manager says to the clerk...I really like the way you think on your feet. I have a store in Canada that I'd like you to manage.

The clerk replies...Canada, all they have up there is whores and hockey players.

The manager says...you watch what you say...my wife is from Canada.

Clerk says...Oh really? What team does she play for?
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."


Monsterlover

#1025
July 16, 2011, 06:34:15 AM
;D
"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST    **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer.  A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman.  A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist."  -Louis Nizer**

ducpainter

#1026
July 16, 2011, 06:46:47 AM
Old lady is walking up and down the aisles of her local supermarket picking up items and checking them off her list.

She gets to the produce dept and looks a bit confused. The clerk asks if he can help and the old woman asks him for some lettuce.

The clerk replies he's sorry that they're all sold out of lettuce until tomorrow when the shipment arrives.

The lady thanks him and continues up and down the aisles picking up items and checking them off her list.

She arrives back in the produce section and asks the same clerk again about lettuce.

He patiently repeats what he had said and the lady goes off  once again picking up items and checking them off her list.

Back again she arrives in the produce section looks around and again asks the very same clerk about lettuce.

This time he's a little perturbed and says to the lady...Ma'am...I'm going to try and explain this to you plainly and succinctly....

can you spell dog...as in dogmatic?

The old lady spells out d...o...g.

Very good says the clerk...now can you spell cat as in catastrophic?

The lady spells out...c...a...t.

Excellent says the clerk...now can you spell make the beast with two backs  as in lettuce?

The old woman thinks for a second and says...there is no make the beast with two backs in lettuce.

The clerk screams...THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU FOR THE LAST HALF HOUR

"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."


fastwin

#1027
July 16, 2011, 12:15:32 PM
 [laugh] Lettuce jokes of the day!! [laugh]
I plan to list the Federal Gov't. as a dependent on my next 1040 tax filing!

I have flying honey badgers and I'm not afraid to use them!

The fact that flame throwers exist is proof that someone somewhere said "I'd sure like to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

CONFIDENCE: the feeling you have right before you understand the situation.

Howie

#1028
July 17, 2011, 09:16:56 AM
 


A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.  After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and
that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest,
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude...
How much water did you drink!?

fastwin

#1029
July 17, 2011, 12:12:12 PM
 [laugh] [laugh] That's funny as hell. Good Cheech & Chong style joke! [laugh]
I plan to list the Federal Gov't. as a dependent on my next 1040 tax filing!

I have flying honey badgers and I'm not afraid to use them!

The fact that flame throwers exist is proof that someone somewhere said "I'd sure like to set those people over there on fire but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

CONFIDENCE: the feeling you have right before you understand the situation.

Howie

#1030
July 19, 2011, 09:47:52 PM






                                                A Desert Love Story



                Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

                He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.


                As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

                They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

                They finally decided on...... .

                 
                You ready for this?
                 
                 
                 
                 
                 
                 
                 
                 
                 

             
             
             
             
             
             
             
             
            'Humphrey'! 

            Oh, stop your whining.  It's a nice story.

             

akmnstr

#1031
July 20, 2011, 01:29:51 PM
That could have been a real dud, but you pulled it off with your excellent timing.  I'll re-tell it next time I see my 4 year old nephew. 
"you may all go to hell, and I will go to Texas!!" Davey Crockett & AKmnstr

"An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men."
Charles Darwin

"I don't know what people expect when they meet me. They seem to be afraid that I'm going to piss in the potted palm and slap them on the ass." Marlon Brando

BoDiddley

Who
#1032
July 20, 2011, 02:11:02 PM
Seriously, no seriously!  Did you every wonder who sits around and comes up with all these thousands of jokes?  I myself  think it is aliens. No really, where do you think they come from.  Is their some joke nerds sitting around the comp sending new ones out every minute or is it really that little old lady in norther Canada?   ;D
"But sire what are we to do.  You have taken all our weapons and now the heathen hordes are at the gate.  Are we to lie down and give them our lives.  Without weapons they will make us eat ourselves."

Desert Dust

#1033
July 20, 2011, 02:47:50 PM
Comedians get paid to tell jokes.

If they're funny enough.  [roll]
07 S2R 1K:  "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We're all part of the same compost heap. We're all singing, all dancing crap of the world.”

BoDiddley

#1034
July 21, 2011, 07:01:36 AM
Quote from: Desert Dust on July 20, 2011, 02:47:50 PM
Comedians get paid to tell jokes.

If they're funny enough.  [roll]

      Some one got paid to think this up, I am quiting my day job!  [thumbsup]

     Jake the farmer has an incredibly nagging wife. One day he's out in the field, she brings
     his lunch to him, and then sits there and berates him while he's eating. Suddenly, the
     mule kicks up his back legs, smacking her in the head, and it kills her instantly.
     At the wake, the minister notices that when a woman offers her sympathy, Jake nods his
     head up and down, but when a man comes up and speaks to him, he shakes his head
     from side to side. The minister says to Jake, "Why was it that you nod your head up and down to all the
     women and shake your head from side to side to all the men?"
     Jake says, "The women all say how nice she looks, and how pretty her dress is. The men
     all say, Is that mule for sale?'"
"But sire what are we to do.  You have taken all our weapons and now the heathen hordes are at the gate.  Are we to lie down and give them our lives.  Without weapons they will make us eat ourselves."
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