DMF joke thread

[zooom]

dangit!!!....I didn't go back further than 6 months....and here to find out it was back 16 months.......

[akmnstr]

This is an actual true one.  My wife gave me one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.  It went like this:

Akmnstr  "Ahem, are you getting a little chubby?"

Ms Akmnstr, "No, I'm just wearing my cloths a little tighter today!"

[desmoquattro]

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It's a *really* obscure number...you've probably never heard of it.

[AJ]

^   

[Monsterlover]

What's the difference between erotic and perverted?


Erotic is using a feather on your partner

Perverted is using the whole chicken.

[lethe]

What's the difference between erotic and perverted?


Erotic is using a feather on your partner

Perverted is using the whole chicken.

dark and twisted is using a vulture

[desmoquattro]

dark and twisted is using a vulture

...and just plain wrong is using an emu.

BTW - Biggest joke of 2011: the Ducati Desmosedici GP11

[fastwin]

That's just mean. It has been really weird seeing Hayden and the satellite Ducs ahead of Vale on the grid and at the end of the race.

OK... back to funny stuff.

[Jaman]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson
from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase
cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you  $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to
make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno
peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently  said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[fastwin]

I'm liking #9 the best!!

[Desert Dust]

Better than Letterman's Top Ten Lists^^^^^^^

[Buckethead]

Got this one in my email today:

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet..

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.



When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers..

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

[fastwin]

I like that!!

[BoDiddley]

A man was walking down the sidewalk and as he passes a building he hears people inside chanting loudly
the number 13, 13, 13, 13 over and over again.  Seeing a hole in the wall his curiosity makes
him take a peak.  He is instantly poked hard in the eye and as he screams out WTF he hears the
voices start up with 14, 14, 14, 14   

Probably old but yea never know these days..........

[Howie]

Tom's Scrotum - The Best Story of the Year

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife. The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children in his arms," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely"
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.








"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."