DMF joke thread

[desmoquattro]

^^^LOL

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it.

[lethe]

^^^LOL

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it.

you just Derby-ed yourself and just a page later 

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg971755#msg971755

[desmoquattro]

you just Derby-ed yourself and just a page later 

http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=371.msg971755#msg971755

Crap...I couldn't remember whether I posted that one...it's my go-to joke, living in San Francisco

[Monsterlover]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
      populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
      green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
      Woman would live long and healthy lives.

      Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Breyer's Ice Cream
      and Tim Horton's Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate
      with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as
      you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
      And Satan smiled.

      And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might use to
      keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth
      white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined
      them. And Man's belt went from size 32 to size 40.

      So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
      Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on
      the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.

      God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
      olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep
      fried fish and steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man
      gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

      God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel
      Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate
      cake and named it "Devil's Food Cake."

      God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might
      lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote
      control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And
      Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
      and gained pounds.

      Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
      brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
      and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
      And Man gained pounds.

      God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories
      and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and
      its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with
      that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan
      said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

      God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

      Satan smiled and created HMOs.

[NorDog]

With such a tedious set up, it really needs a much stronger payoff.

Just saying.

[bevel]

A father goes out and buys a Lie Detecting Robot. When it hears a lie, it slaps the person that spoke the lie. He decides to try it out over dinner.

"What did you do all day?" the father says to his son.
"I took care of some school work," the son replied.
The robot lets off an alarm, and slaps the son.
"No, really, what where you doing all afternoon?" the father asks.
"I was over at my friend's house watching a movie," the son replies.

"Well, that's better. See how it hurts to lie? So what movie were you watching?"
"Toy Story," the son replied.
The robot lets off another alarm, and slaps the son again.
"Alright mister, what movie where you watching?"
"Well, we were watching some porn," replied the son.

"Why, when I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" exclaimed the father.
The robot let off another alarm, and slapped the father.

The man's wife, not able to contain herself, starts laughing.
"Well, he's certainly your son," she proclaims through fits of laughter.
The robot lets off another alarm, and slaps the mother.

[Monsterlover]

With such a tedious set up, it really needs a much stronger payoff.

Just saying.

I didn't write it

[Buckethead]

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?

Brian W!

[Monsterlover]

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?

Brian W!

That's awesome!

[r_ciao]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big knockers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[Desert Dust]

  ^^^^^^ Good one!

[Desert Dust]

I just thought of another joke: Ducati's plactic, swollen tanks 

[Buckethead]

I just thought of another joke: Ducati's plactic, swollen tanks 

About which a class action law suit has reached a settlement granting you a replacement?

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

[desmoquattro]

I just thought of another joke: Ducati's plactic, swollen tanks 

...or the carbon perimeter frame

[NorDog]

About which a class action law suit has reached a settlement granting you a replacement?

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Reasonable?  Now THAT's a joke.