DMF joke thread

[Desert Dust]

That's the funniest clean joke I've ever heard!

[Howie]

        A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The       
        driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding  toward the
        officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


        So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
        instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
        orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.


        The tirade goes on without the officer saying  anything.


        When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the
        lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands
        it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily,
        and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands
        to know what it stands  for.


        The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
        you're an asshole!"


        Two months later they're in  court. The 'violator' has a bad driving
        record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer
        to represent him.


        On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
        Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this  a
        reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"


        Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
        and mine, same number at the top."


        Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
        ticket you don't normally  make?"


        "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
        underlined."


        "What does the "AH" stand for,  officer?"


        "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


        "Aggressive and hostile?"

        "Yes, Sir."


        "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"


        "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."



        ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

[yamifixer]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?" "I was at the library."
Robot slaps son.
"Okay I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie. Toy Story." Robot slaps the son.
"Okay it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
Robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
Robot slaps the mother.

[metallimonster]

I'm pretty sure this one is in this thread at least 2 other times in some form or other.

[desmoquattro]

Three nuns die in a car accident and find themselves at the pearly Gates. St. Peter, dressed as a game show host, greets the nuns:

St. Peter: You've all lived pious lives of servitude. Normally, you'd be a shoe-in to get into Heaven. But standards have been increased around here lately. In order to get in, you must demonstrate a basic level of knowledge of The Bible. I'm going to ask each of you a question. A right answer gets you into Heaven. An incorrect answer will send you to Purgatory.

We'll start with Sister Esther: Who was the first man on earth?

Sister Esther: Ooh...that's easy: Adam was the first man on Earth.

DING DING DING DING DING....bells ring, lights light up, the gates open, and Sister Esther is admitted to Heaven.

St. Peter: Sister Esther wins our prize! Sister Theresa, your turn: Who was the first woman on Earth?

Sister Theresa: Ooh that's easy! Eve was the first woman!

DING DING DING DING DING....bells ring, lights light up, the gates open, and Sister Theresa is admitted to Heaven.

St. Peter: Sister Theresa also wins our prize! Sister Mary, it all rests on your shoulders now...for entry into Heaven, salvation from eternal damnation...what were the first words Eve said to Adam?

Sister Mary (Disturbed look on her face): Ooh...that's really hard...

DING DING DING DING DING

[NorDog]

Three nuns die in a car accident and find themselves at the pearly Gates. St. Peter, dressed as a game show host, greets the nuns:

St. Peter: You've all lived pious lives of servitude. Normally, you'd be a shoe-in to get into Heaven. But standards have been increased around here lately. In order to get in, you must demonstrate a basic level of knowledge of The Bible. I'm going to ask each of you a question. A right answer gets you into Heaven. An incorrect answer will send you to Purgatory.

We'll start with Sister Esther: Who was the first man on earth?

Sister Esther: Ooh...that's easy: Adam was the first man on Earth.

DING DING DING DING DING....bells ring, lights light up, the gates open, and Sister Esther is admitted to Heaven.

St. Peter: Sister Esther wins our prize! Sister Theresa, your turn: Who was the first woman on Earth?

Sister Theresa: Ooh that's easy! Eve was the first woman!

DING DING DING DING DING....bells ring, lights light up, the gates open, and Sister Theresa is admitted to Heaven.

St. Peter: Sister Theresa also wins our prize! Sister Mary, it all rests on your shoulders now...for entry into Heaven, salvation from eternal damnation...what were the first words Eve said to Adam?

Sister Mary (Disturbed look on her face): Ooh...that's really hard...

DING DING DING DING DING

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but purgatory is not eternal damnation.  Should change it to "hell".  The joke would work better.  As it is, the nuns would be just fine with making it to purgatory.

[Buckethead]

I think it's fine the way it is. They're nuns. They're not "supposed" to go to hell. Just purgatory to clear off whatever was left on their soul when they died.

Well, unless they're Catholic school ruler-wielding nuns. In which case, burn em.

[desmoquattro]

I think it's fine the way it is. They're nuns. They're not "supposed" to go to hell. Just purgatory to clear off whatever was left on their soul when they died.

Well, unless they're Catholic school ruler-wielding nuns. In which case, burn em.

I was thinking the same thing. Of course, my entire knowledge of Catholicism comes from Monty Python:

[Buckethead]

Classic.

But Blues Brothers is a much better source of information.

Filthy Mouths & Bad Attitudes - The Blues Brothers (1/9) Movie CLIP (1980) HD

[ducpainter]

Religion and politics...

hmmmm....

[sno_duc]

Religion and politics...

hmmmm....

nah Jake and Elwood...............................the Blues Brothers

[Cab Calloway voice] boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way [/Cab Calloway voice]   

[Kopfjager]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[ducpainter]

nah Jake and Elwood...............................the Blues Brothers

[Cab Calloway voice] boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way [/Cab Calloway voice]   

don't recognize sarcasm?

[krolik]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?


















Dr Dre

[Monsterlover]