DMF joke thread

[desmoquattro]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?


















Dr Dre

Related:

[r_ciao]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.   
 

[Buckethead]

[mstevens]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.   
 

Would probably be funnier if generic names were not assigned before brand names.

[desmoquattro]

Speaking of drugs, did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the morning after and it changes your DNA.

[Howie]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank  of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open  a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the  Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many  lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an  employee took the elderly woman to the president's  office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she  wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,  '$165,000'. The
president was curious and asked her how she had  been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she  made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind  of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet  you $25,000 that your testicles are squareThe president  started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a  bet like that.  The woman  never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,  'Would you like to take my bet?'

               
'Certainly', replied the  president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not  square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the  amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come  back at 10 ' clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a  witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank  confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous  about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining  his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over  again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his  testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way  he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock  the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer  and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the  president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed  that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the  elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her  lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to  oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better  and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course',  said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should  be 100% sure.'
               
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.  Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head  against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that  and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that  around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the  President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

             

[Monsterlover]

[fastwin]

  And out goes the orange juice through my nose! It was worth it! A good joke is the one you never see coming.

[Jaman]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says,




"Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

[fastwin]

 

[Buckethead]

 

Eeeeeeexcellent.

[zarn02]

No idea if this has been posted here before. Probably. But here goes.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Desert Dust]

  Been there

[Rameses]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

<snip>

That reminds me of another one...



A woman's out playing a round of golf and hits her tee shot.

She drives her cart over the hill and down the fairway and sees another golfer on the ground next to her ball.  He's writhing in pain with his hands clasped over his crotch.

She says "oh my god, I'm so sorry!  I'm a massage therapist, let me see if I can help you."

Reluctantly the man consents and she procedes to slide her hand down his pants and massage his testicles.

After a minute she says "how does that feel?" to which the man replies "pretty good, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Popeye the Sailor]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do,' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
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