DMF joke thread

[fastwin]

Oldie but goodie! Nothing wrong with posting good jokes no matter how many times you've heard them. In fact I'd forgotten the punch line.

[r_ciao]

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she  says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her...  "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does....

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.  Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…

[NAKID]

A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she  says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked her...  "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does....

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss. After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.  Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…

Hahahahahahahahahahahah

[fastwin]

 

[Goat_Herder]

my funny bone was tickled.  Good one.   

[Howie]

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[dolci]

 

[Howie]

   

     Punography

        I changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing now .

        When chemists die, they barium .

        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

        A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .

        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

        How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .

        I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

        This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

        A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor .

        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

        I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

        They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

        A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

        PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

        Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

        Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

        Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

        I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

        How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !

        Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

        When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

        What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

        I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me !

        Broken pencils are pointless .

        I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

        What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

        England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

        I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

        All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on .

        I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

        Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

        Velcro - what a rip off !

        Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .

        Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

        Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault .

        I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure .

        Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too .


         Sorry

[zooom]

            Sorry

NO YOU AREN'T....but it was all funny just the same...or at least I thought so when reading and groaning and laughing down the list...

[Howie]

NO YOU AREN'T....but it was all funny just the same...or at least I thought so when reading and groaning and laughing down the list...

[zooom]

"Sis boom bah.'" "Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes."

â€"Ed McMahon's favorite Carnac the Magnificent punchline

[Goat_Herder]

   

     Punography

Hilarious!   

It's too good.  I am sending it out on an email.

[Jaman]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.


'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.


'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'


'Sure..'


'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.


'No, I can remember it..'


'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'


He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'


'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.


Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'


Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She
stares at the plate for a moment.


'Where's my toast ?'

[zooom]

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA

[Jaman]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'