DMF joke thread

[zooom]

were the 3 guys Ducpainter, RAT900, and one of the other old guys here?

[Buckethead]

fastwin

[zooom]

there ya go!

[fastwin]

Excellent!

[Howie]

                     BYE MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
                   
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

[fastwin]

Never!

[Monsterlover]

Once in a while I've been known to have a martini or two and maybe a glass or two of a nice wine at dinner.  And if I'm not careful I could have a brush with the local authorities on the way home from the odd social event.   Well, a couple of nights ago, I did just that. Happy hour followed by some wine with dinner and an after dinner drink.  Knowing full well I was probably over the limit I did something I've never done before.....I took a bus home.  Sure enough we passed through a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it on through.  I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

[NAKID]

Once in a while I've been known to have a martini or two and maybe a glass or two of a nice wine at dinner.  And if I'm not careful I could have a brush with the local authorities on the way home from the odd social event.   Well, a couple of nights ago, I did just that. Happy hour followed by some wine with dinner and an after dinner drink.  Knowing full well I was probably over the limit I did something I've never done before.....I took a bus home.  Sure enough we passed through a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it on through.  I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

[ducpainter]

Once in a while I've been known to have a martini or two and maybe a glass or two of a nice wine at dinner.  And if I'm not careful I could have a brush with the local authorities on the way home from the odd social event.   Well, a couple of nights ago, I did just that. Happy hour followed by some wine with dinner and an after dinner drink.  Knowing full well I was probably over the limit I did something I've never done before.....I took a bus home.  Sure enough we passed through a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it on through.  I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

[The Bacon Junkie]

 






 

[fastwin]

Excellent!!

[Goat_Herder]

LOL Didn't see that ending coming.  Good one. 

[Goat_Herder]

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude son. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[fastwin]

Good one!!

[ducpainter]

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of  the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your  life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His  wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and  haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for  directions."