DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

Not a joke persay but still funny if not a long read. http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-insane-things-nobody-tells-you-about-riding-motorcycle/

[dolci]

 

[Howie]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. . .
















                                             

   "Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"

[zooom]

groooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn

[Howie]

groooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnn

Success

[Monsterlover]

Cold Water Cleaning

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN

[the_Journeyman]

Once in a while I've been known to have a martini or two and maybe a glass or two of a nice wine at dinner.  And if I'm not careful I could have a brush with the local authorities on the way home from the odd social event.   Well, a couple of nights ago, I did just that. Happy hour followed by some wine with dinner and an after dinner drink.  Knowing full well I was probably over the limit I did something I've never done before.....I took a bus home.  Sure enough we passed through a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it on through.  I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

Love it!!!  However, I'm a bus driver...

JM

[Ducatamount]

This one's for Zilbert. 

In the beginning was the Plan.And then came the Assumptions.And the Assumptions were without form.And the darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves,saying,"It is a crock of shit,and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,"It is a pail of dung,and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,saying,"It is a container of excrement,and it is very strong,such that none may abide by it."
  And the Managers went unto their Directors,saying,"It is a vessel of fertilizer,and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves,saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong."
And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents,saying unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the CEO saying unto him,"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company,with powerful effects."
And the CEO looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.And the plan became Policy.
     This is How Shit Happens.

[ZLTFUL]

This one's for Zilbert. 

In the beginning was the Plan.And then came the Assumptions.And the Assumptions were without form.And the darkness was on the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves,saying,"It is a crock of shit,and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,"It is a pail of dung,and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,saying,"It is a container of excrement,and it is very strong,such that none may abide by it."
  And the Managers went unto their Directors,saying,"It is a vessel of fertilizer,and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves,saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong."
And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents,saying unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the CEO saying unto him,"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company,with powerful effects."
And the CEO looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.And the plan became Policy.
     This is How Shit Happens.

Amen. Come Lord Shitness.

[jaxduc]

subscribed

[Popeye the Sailor]

There was a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Budweiser ordered a Bud, the president of Miller ordered a Miller Lite, Peter Coors ordered a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asked Arthur Guinness what he wanted to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness ordered a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues asked.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[lethe]

  I'm stealing that one

[Buckethead]

How can you tell if your girlfriend has gained weight?

Your wife's clothes start to fit her.

[Howie]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer       meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
   
   
   
   
   
   

[supperduc]

Anyone here looking to buy an ark? . . . I Noah guy.