DMF joke thread

[Dirty Duc]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer       meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
   
   
   

My family doesn't live that long, but my wife's has convinced her to stop driving!  And you will surely get the Hawaiian good luck sign if you hassle her.

[dolci]

A man boards a plane with 6 kids. 

After they are all seated, the woman across the aisle from him leans over and asks, "are they all yours?"

He says, "No, I work for a condom company; those are customer complaints."

[zooom]

A man boards a plane with 6 kids. 

After they are all seated, the woman across the aisle from him leans over and asks, "are they all yours?"

He says, "No, I work for a condom company; those are customer complaints."

[Jaman]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age
and thinking, Surely I can't look THAT old.


Well. . .
You'll love this one


My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my first appontment with a new dentist.

I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years agao



Could he be the same guy I had a secret crush on, way back then?



Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, wrinkled, grey haired man was WAY too old to have been my classmate...


After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School...

"Yes. Yes, I did, I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride.


When did you graduate? I asked.

"In 1975, why do you ask" he sad.

You were in my class! I exclaimed.



He looked at me closely...



Then that ugly

Old

Wrinkled

Bald

Fat-assed

Grey haired

Decrepit

SON-OF-A-pregnant dog


asked

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??

[dolci]

 

[supperduc]

Got the HIV test result back today. Horrible, just horrible...my Hairline Is Vanishing.

[ducpainter]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[sno_duc]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Sounds like a # 4

Sex researchers now report there are seven kinds of sex. Which describes your typical style?

1. Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

2. Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

3. Bedroom Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

4. Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

5. Religious Sex: You get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

6. Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and her lawyer screws you in front of everyone.

7. Social Security Sex: You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

[Howie]

                             
                    THE MIRACULOUS HUMAN BODY


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[fastwin]

 

[Dirty Duc]

He offered his honor.
She honored his offer.
And it was offer and honor the rest of the night.

[Monsterlover]

[Rob Hilding]

He offered his honor.
She honored his offer.
And it was offer and honor the rest of the night.

Needs a rim shot emoticon

[Dirty Duc]

Needs a rim shot emoticon

fixed.

[Rob Hilding]

  ^^