DMF joke thread

[S4ROB]

Subject: Smart Blonde

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out
to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is
coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2
by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.  Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."

[DaniD]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."
 
 
She said …"You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends."

[fwtcc]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time."
 
 
She said …"You have the Biggest Dick of all your Friends."

That is a good one. Nice ma'am.  Very nice.

[DaniD]

Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asks the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell
me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster Mother, 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird
in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate. But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother Superior!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of
myself And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk
swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either', cried the Sister 'the hawk started to fly out
of sight, the   squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the
green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches
from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?'

[DaniD]

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers....
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[DCXCV]

Take One
Two engineering students were cycling across campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?' The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.'

Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

[TiNi]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

 
 

[silvy1200]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
Knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.

[silvy1200]

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.


"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

[DaniD]

The Gynecologist who became a Mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

 Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."
 

 

[CDawg]

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."

    
ROTFLMAO!  Thank you for making my day!

[silvy1200]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


*


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

*

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


*


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

[Jobu]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'   Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'   To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny ! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'



Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

[silvy1200]

 

[DaniD]

 And then the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and  I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I  hear she hasn't been sober since.'
 
My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'   

And then the fight started...

**********************************************************************

 I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 And then the fight started...

 **********************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I  would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

 And then the fight started...