DMF joke thread

[Desmostro]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
...
Stay Well, Do Good, and Write Often.

  On the floor 

[Hank]

Dave Barry is a fantastic writer!

[eyeboy]

my girl (who clearly does not work THAT hard) sent me this one today

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment then we may want. 

For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist.  I met with her yesterday and she's gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
   
She told me that I have to stop masturbating. 
 
I asked her why and she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

[Jaman]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'  At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'Sir, there's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 
All Seniors Aren't Senile

[Stella]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we do have a new drink.
Created by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka"

The guy asks, "good grief, what do you call that?!"

The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

[ryandalling]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we do have a new drink.
Created by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka"

The guy asks, "good grief, what do you call that?!"

The bartender replied, "It's a Pabst Smir."

Dude... I just spit out my soda. 

[silvy1200]

Pun Intended


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker,
but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

[sno_duc]

Husband Store
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

 So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Lov e Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love $ex.

The second floor has wives that love $ex and have money and like beer and own a Ducati.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 

[Jaman]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'


And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[Monsterlover]

loling good one

[Rob Hilding]

A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop. "Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."

[El Matador]

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of a mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 35 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be in a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn''t be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two curves later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next curve, same thing. I''d
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the curve but
when we came out he''d get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Curve after curve, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full curve behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best parts of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don''t think I''ve ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

[Duck-Stew]

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed
to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really
twisting sections of a mountain road with no straight sections to
speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that
say "MAX SPEED 35 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be in a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn''t be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him
was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two curves later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly
got by him before he could recover. Next curve, same thing. I''d
manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the curve but
when we came out he''d get on the throttle and out-power me. His
horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me
more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever
until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an
instant I was by him. Curve after curve, I could hear the roar of
his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before
the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
canyon, he was more than a full curve behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I
was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the
tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more
than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was
not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had
preserved the proud tradition of one of the best parts of Brit iron.

I will always remember that moment. I don''t think I''ve ever pedaled
so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh
cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

Paging MsIncredible...  MsIncredible to the DMF joke thread please...

[somegirl]

Paging MsIncredible...  MsIncredible to the DMF joke thread please...

The timing is amazing....

I nearly passed a Harley descending on my Orbea on Sunday (for real).  

I could have done it if he hadn't blocked me (hogging the left side of the lane, sometimes crossing the DY, on a narrow twisty road with almost all blind corners).   I almost passed him anyway but there are too many cars doing stupid stuff on that road for me to take a chance in those blind corners.

I gave him a headstart, caught up, tailgated him through one twisty section, he gunned it in the next straight.  I think he was quite surprised to find me right behind him on the next two twisty sections. 

Unfortunately a Civic pulled out of a parking lot during one longer straight and I was stuck behind it the rest of the way down.

I just wish I could have seen the expression on the rider's face...he was definitely not pleased.

[metallimonster]

A man walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap for underware.

The Psychiatrist said "I can clearly see your nutts"