DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

 

[DarkMonster620]

Bruce normally drives his 6 year old to school every day on his way to work.
But he's been to his mate's Robbo's birthday barbie, the night before and got so hammered there that he's got a massive hangover and decides to chuck a sickie.
His wife Sheila grabs the keys to the ute and drives the daughter to school.
The teacher notices and later in the day during a chat she asks the girl, "I see you mum drove you to school today."
"Yes," says the girl, "Daddy was sick today, it was quite different today."
The teacher says, "Different? How do you mean different?"
"Well," says the girl, "Mum and I .... didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, moron, stupid make the beast with two backswit, dumb prick or wanker anywhere on the whole way to school today!"

[the_Journeyman]

LoL!  Like that one Carlos!

JM

[ungeheuer]

I see you speak fluent Australian now Carlos   

[DarkMonster620]

I see you speak fluent Australian now Carlos   

got a few good chalkies . . .

[ungeheuer]

got a few good chalkies . . .

eh?

[DarkMonster620]

eh?

chalkie=teacher

[ungeheuer]

If you say so cobber 

Anyway enough of this conversing..... 

[DarkMonster620]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.......

[jjjrules]

In an unfortunate turn of unrelated events both Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day.

As if things couldn't get worse a terrible mix up occurred at the Pearly Gates and the Pope was sent to hell and Bill was sent to Heaven.

It took a day before St Peter realised his mistake and immediately sent Bill down and brought the Pontiff up.

About half way along their journeys Bill and the Pope met.

Bill told the Pope how much he respected his work and how much he's always wanted to meet him. Bill then asked the Pope "With all your hard work and dedication to your religion and your God - what is it that you're most looking forward to when you get to Heaven"

The pontiff didn't hesitate in his response

"I have so much admiration for the Virgin Mary - I can't wait to meet her"

Bill says "Ummmmmm - there's something I need to tell you.........."

[Desert Dust]

 

[DarkMonster620]

Engineer & the Frog

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[zooom]

Engineer & the Frog

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[THUMBSUP] awesome!!!

[DarkMonster620]

[ungeheuer]

^^ 

..and in that context offence is spelled incorrectly too  .