DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression... "He who has a Tates is lost!"


A man boards a crowded hotel elevator, and as is common turns to face the doors. A young woman boards after him and does likewise.

Because he cannot easily reach the buttons, he calls out "Ballroom please."

The woman says "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."



So I was at the bar last night, hanging out with my buddies, and suddenly the barmaid hollers from across the room "DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW CPR?!?!"

I hollered back at her "Shit lady, not only that, I know the whole make the beast with two backsin' alphabet!"

And we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for that one guy.

[ducpainter]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the door just outside the VFW.

A ragged old retired Navy Chief Petty Officer was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Air Force officer came over to him and asked what he was doing. "Fishing," the old Chief simply said.

"Poor old fool," the Air Force officer thought to himself, and he invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the haughty Air Force Officer asked, "And how many have you caught today?"

"You're number eight," the old Navy Chief answered

[DarkMonster620]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

[Oldfisti]

 

[kopfjäger]

[kopfjäger]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[kopfjäger]

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best pregnant dog with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's pregnant dog."

[Monsterlover]

[DarkMonster620]

 

[kopfjäger]

 

Dear Abby,

My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years.  All he does is get
dressed in the morning and hops in his fancy car to visit with his
cronies.

I know he's cheated on me many times with younger girls who could be his
granddaughters.  I know because he brags about this to
me.  He smokes fancy cigars and drinks expensive scotch day and
night.
  
We sleep in separate beds and he's always telling me he knows
I'm a lesbian and my varicose veins and big ass turn him off!  Should I clobber
him with my frying pan or should I leave him, Abby?  Your advice would be
appreciated . . .

Mad as Hell.
  
Dear Mad as Hell,

You don't have to take that kind of treatment from any
man.  Pack your bags now and move out ASAP!!!
Don't resort to clobbering him with the frying pan.  Be a
lady.
  
Remember . . . you're running for President of the United States
of America so try acting
like it!!!
  

ABBY

[DarkMonster620]

 

[GK]

Bravo! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Chuckling my arse off!

[DarkMonster620]

Oldie but goodie:

Kevin and Peter were identical twins. Kevin owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother Peter’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for Peter and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Kevin, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”
“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.

[koko64]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

 

[koko64]

Oldie but goodie:

Kevin and Peter were identical twins. Kevin owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother Peter’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for Peter and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Kevin, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is, I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”
“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.