DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

Two boys decide to gather up some pecans that have fallen from the trees at a local cemetery. After they have collected a fairly large amount, they settle down in the shade behind one of the monuments to divide up their bounty. As they pour their pecans out of the buckets to make a large pile, several of the pecans roll down the slope and come to rest near the fence of the cemetery.

The boys begin dividing up the pecans with the time honored tradition of "One for you...one for me....one for you....one for me."

Another boy happens along, riding his bicycle past the cemetery when he suddenly hears the voices of the two boys. Unable to see anyone, as the two are behind a monument, he pauses a moment and to his horror believes that God and the Devil are in the cemetery, dividing up souls!

Terrified, he takes off as fast as he can, pedaling as though his life depends on it!

After a short distance, he comes across an old farmer hobbling along the road with the use of a cane. He screeches to a halt and babbles about God and the Devil in the cemetery and begs the old man to come see for himself. "I'm old and I don't move anywhere in a hurry, young'n...but since you seem genuinely scared, I'll go back to the cemetery with you to show you there is nothing to fear."

So the two of them go to the cemetery, and stop by the fence to listen. From within the cemetery they hear the disembodied voices steadily counting "One for you, one for me...one for you, one for me..."

The hair on the back of the old man's neck stand up as he realizes the boy was right. Still, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he leans down and whispers to the boy "Let's see if we can get closer and see God and the Devil, boy."

The boy swallows nervously but nods his head. Cautiously they approach the gate, straining to be as quiet as possible.

Suddenly, from within the cemetery they hear one of the voices say "Well, that takes care of these...now let's get those nuts down by the fence and we are all done here!"

They say the old guy had about a two-hundred yard lead down the road until the boy finally passed him on his bicycle.....

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[kopfjäger]

[Monsterlover]

[DarkMonster620]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!’

[GK]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!’

Bravo! 👏🏼👏🏼

[DarkMonster620]

Posted text here, http://www.ducatimonsterforum.org/index.php?topic=4021.msg1358127#msg1358127

[ducpainter]

I read it...

it still should go where it belongs.

[Monsterlover]

Post removed

[DarkMonster620]

Ungrateful wife.....I just got home with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose I have to open my feckin legs for them?"...I asked, "WHY?....Have we not got a vase big enough?"!!
And then the fight started.

[Speedbag]

Bob flew into town and caught a cab at the airport. As he got into the cab, the driver turned and said, "Hey, perfect timing, buddy. Just like Frank Feldman."

"Who?" Bob asked.

"Frank Feldman", the driver responded, "He was a guy who did everything right all the time, like me coming along, just when you needed a cab. Stuff like that happened to Frank Feldman all the time."

"Sounds like a cool dude", Bob said, "but there are always a few clouds over everybody sometimes."

"Not Frank Feldman," the driver continued, "he was a terrific athlete, he could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. Oh my God, he was make the beast with two backsing amazing!"

"Sounds like a real special guy." Bob said.

"Special is too weak a word for Frank Feldman. He always knew the quickest way to get through traffic, unlike me. I get stuck all the time. But Frank Feldman never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes always polished. Why, I'd say he was the perfect man. Nobody could measure up to Frank Feldman, and that's a fact." The driver gushed.

They got to their destination, and as Bob was paying the fare, he said, "That Frank Feldman sounds like an amazing dude. How did you ever meet him?"

"Oh, I never actually met him," the driver answered as he took the fare, "he died, and I married his make the beast with two backsing wife!"

[Blackout]

 

[Speedbag]

[DarkMonster620]

 

[kopfjäger]