DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

Stolen from the interwebs:

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What's wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

[ducpainter]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

'tis the season!

Three men died at exactly midnight on Christmas Eve and all arrived at the Pearly Gates together, where St. Peter was waiting to meet them.

St. Peter looks the three and says, "Since you all died at exactly midnight on Christmas Eve, all past sins will be forgiven and you can gain entry to Heaven..."

"THAT'S GREAT!!!", the three exclaimed and began rushing toward the entrance, but St. Peter quickly held up his hand.

"You didn't let me finish," he said. "All sins will be forgiven *IF* you have a token that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man reached into a shirt pocket and came up with a lighter. "Here," he said. "It's a candle." With a dubious expression, St. Peter nodded and the man walked through the gate into paradise.

The second man fumbling through his pants pockets and found his car keys. Jingling them madly, he said, "Look! They're bells!"  With a sigh, St. Peter nodded again and allowed the man to enter Heaven.

The last man confidently reached into his jacket pocket and held out a pair of lace women's panties. St. Peter raised an eyebrow. Quizzically staring at the man's offering he asked, "And just *how* does this symbolize Christmas?  To which the man replied, "They're Carol's."

[ducpainter]

 

[ungeheuer]

 

[Howie]

Good one!

[Kopfjager]

“An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”

[Jaman]

How does every off-color/racist joke begin?



_{With a quick look over both shoulders...}

[Kopfjager]

 

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

Eighty year old goes to the doctor, labs looked great, he was in good physical shape.What's your secrets the doc asked
Every day I play golf. Up at dawn walk and carry my own clubs. Great exerciser and fresh air.
Wow the doc says, but there must be more. How old was your dad when he died.
Who said he was dead asked the old guy
Your dads still alive???
Yup, we played golf this morning, he's a hundred
Wow says the doc, how about your grandfather how old was he when he died
Who said gramps was dead??? Asked the old guy.
I bet you played golf with him today, how old is he?
He's a hundred and eighteen, no he misses golf this morning he was getting married.
Why would a hundred and eighteen year old want to get married the doc asked.
Who said he wanted to says the old guy?

[Kopfjager]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

Brad lived in California and was a lifelong environmentalist. He was sick of the world; of Covid-19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, started the car and revved it to a slow idle.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a dead battery.