DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

Woman goes into a pharmacy and says, "I want to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist says, "Why do you want to buy cyanide?" Woman says, "I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist says, "I can't sell you cyanide to kill you husband, we will both go to jail." Woman says, "I really want to kill my husband." Pharmacist says firmly, "No, I won't sell you any cyanide."

Woman pauses, and then passes the pharmacist a photograph showing her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. Pharmacist looks at the photograph and then says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."




You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tent's.




A wealthy Arabian prince needed a blood transfusion but his rare blood type posed a problem until finally, a Scotsman was found with the same rare blood type. The Scotsman was happy to help, and even happier when the grateful prince rewarded him with a BMW, a sack of diamonds, a sable coat for his wife, and a thank you note.

A year later, the prince needed another transfusion. Again, the Scotsman complied. This time, though, the thank you note was accompanied by a bunch of daisies.

"What's this? Not to be mean, but last time ye gave me a BMW, diamonds an' a fur coat. Now Daisies?" "Ah, yes," replied the Arab. "But now my veins run with Scottish blood."

[ungeheuer]

Is it politically incorrect to tell a "knock knock" joke to a homeless person?

[Monsterlover]

Is it politically incorrect to tell a "knock knock" joke to a homeless person?

Only if it's wrong to feed bacon to a pig

[DarkMonster620]

[ungeheuer]

 

[DarkMonster620]

http://diply.com/creative-unusual/21-dumbest-things-ever-said-on-internet/136598/1

[DarkMonster620]

[/url]the p poem by Carlos Brewer-Incera, on Flickr[/img]

[Popeye the Sailor]

Best one-liners from this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Personally, I would have put #6 at the top of the list.

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.

[ungeheuer]

I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT GEOGRAPHY, BUT I CAN NAME AT LEAST ONCE FRENCH CITY, WHICH IS NICE.

[Popeye the Sailor]

[1.21GW]

I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT GEOGRAPHY, BUT I CAN NAME AT LEAST ONCE FRENCH CITY, WHICH IS NICE.

Groooooaaaan. 

[Popeye the Sailor]

Why did the banjo player climb up the chain link fence?




















He wanted to see what was on the other side.

[1.21GW]

What do you have against banjo players?

[DarkMonster620]

Here's a good one:

I'll reduce my meals to 3 a day !!!

[Popeye the Sailor]

What do you have against banjo players?

Nothing-it was originally about aussies but as there are a bunch of 'em on here I didn't want to have to explain the punchline a bunch of times, so I changed it to banjo players.