DMF joke thread

[Timmy Tucker]

Little Johnny's dad was drinking some beer one afternoon.  Little Johnny asked for a beer and his Dad responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says, "What.... of course it doesn't."  Dad responds, "Well you can't have a beer then."

Later that day, being the badass Harley rider that he is, Little Johnny's dad was about to go for a ride on his motorcycle up to the local bar.  Little Johnny says "Let me ride it."  Dad says, "Can your dick touch your asshole yet."

"Well no," says Johnny.  "Well, you can't ride it then," says his father.

Little Johnny's dad amazingly gets back from the bar on his bike and Johnny is sitting on the porch eating some cookies.

His dad says, "Mmmm, them cookies look good.  Give me one."

Little Johnny responds, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"  Dad says, "Of course it can!"

Little Johnny says, "Well good, cause you might as well go make the beast with two backs yourself cause you ain't getting none my make the beast with two backsing cookies."

 

[S4ROB]

A riddle

If the stork brings white babies and the crow brings black babies, what beings no babies?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

  A swallow     

[sno_duc]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The se cond is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teac her asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f........ difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful...'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
 
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[CDawg]

Yeah!  Glad this thread is back!  This is not a joke, but more of a "true that"

Wingman
This goes out to my squadron...to all those I have flown wing for, and for all those brave souls who flew wing for me.
The Wingman.
There is a man out there. He waits in the shadows. He always appears on cue, and rarely fails at his assigned task. He can blend in with the crowd or become the center of attention.
He's your buddy. Your friend. Your wingman. Yes, the legendary wingman. The man who "takes one for the team," "jumps on the grenade," and generally keeps someone else occupied while you're "engaging the primary target." Now, the secondary target isn't always a prize. Sometimes, they're downright scary. You know who they are. The "friend that drove us here." The "we have to leave now" or "we have to get up early" girl. The "if you think you're going home with her, you're sadly mistaken" friend. The "HELLO? We're having a girls' night out here" girl. I'm sure you get the idea. Usually, it's some skank who you could care less about, but you have to distract so you can talk to her friend.
This feeds into my long-standing theory that attractive people seek out ugly friends, to make themselves feel even more attractive.  This is how the attractive folks then become the leaders of these little groups. But they also use the not-as-attractive friends as human shields, practically screaming: "If you want me, you'll have to find matches for my band of girl-goyles."
Enter the wingman.
Selfless beings, wingmen are generally just happy to be there for you. Some wingmen even find joy in playing decoy. Guys and gals, we've all been there. You spot the one you want across the crowded room. Then, out of fear, shyness, or sheer cowardice, you can't bring yourself to walk up to the object of your affection alone. Walking up to a crowd of guys (or girls) to talk to only one of them is rarely a winning proposition.
So, you walk over with your winger.
Hell, sometimes I've been known to take a whole squadron. Sometimes, you're the winger. Whatever. You strike up a conversation. You move in. The winger covers your six. It's a beautiful thing.  And you can never predict how your mission will turn out.  Sometimes, the wingman does better than you. Sometimes the human shields are more appealing than the primary target.  Sometimes, you get shot down. Sometimes, your wingers get shot down and  you have to abort because you lost your cover. And of course, sometimes the mission is a success.
There are many who sit in the hallowed halls of flight history for acts of sheer bravery-going above and beyond the call of duty-doing the equivalent of a kamikaze. Yes, I mean taking the secondary target home.  A moment of silence for those brave, brave wingers.
Oh yeah... I almost forgot,sometimes you fly right into a heavy combat zone, where she (or he) was good (looking) from afar, but far from good. Definite mission abort. And it's not easily done with grace. My best maneuver? Pretend she was someone you thought you knew, apologize, and walk away.
But, you ask, who makes the best wingman? This is pretty simple.
A.      Ugly friends of your own. You know you have 'em. They're nice, fun, and cool, but kinda lost the lottery on looks. You love 'em to death, but you also know that they're perfect for your mission objectives. It's OK to admit you have ugly friends.
B.      Hot friends who don't know they're hot. Be careful, these are the wingers who accidentally blow you right out of the sky. I have several of these in my squadron.
C.      Married or dating people. Perfect. These people have nothing to lose. To them, flying wing is "just talking." The key here is having them save the "I have a girlfriend/ wife/ boyfriend/ husband/ lover" sentence until the very end of the conversation.
D.      Friends who just don't care. 'Nuff said.
And who makes a poor wingman?
A.      Dorks.
B.      Drunk guy. He'll crash and burn and nip your wing on his way down. You'll end the night as a smoldering heap of what used to be dignity.
C.      Boring guys. Nothing worse than having to turn around and bail out your own wingman.

As I told a friend of mine not too long ago, for all my successful missions, lost planes, and wingers who went on to bigger and better things, I'd rather be sitting in the officers' club, polishing my medals and reminiscing about when I used to fly.
Good luck to you all.

[El Matador]

Yeah!  Glad this thread is back!  This is not a joke, but more of a "true that"

Wingman
This goes out to my squadron...to all those I have flown wing for, and for all those brave souls who flew wing for me.
The Wingman.
There is a man out there. He waits in the shadows. He always appears on cue, and rarely fails at his assigned task. He can blend in with the crowd or become the center of attention.
He's your buddy. Your friend. Your wingman. Yes, the legendary wingman. The man who "takes one for the team," "jumps on the grenade," and generally keeps someone else occupied while you're "engaging the primary target." Now, the secondary target isn't always a prize. Sometimes, they're downright scary. You know who they are. The "friend that drove us here." The "we have to leave now" or "we have to get up early" girl. The "if you think you're going home with her, you're sadly mistaken" friend. The "HELLO? We're having a girls' night out here" girl. I'm sure you get the idea. Usually, it's some skank who you could care less about, but you have to distract so you can talk to her friend.
This feeds into my long-standing theory that attractive people seek out ugly friends, to make themselves feel even more attractive.  This is how the attractive folks then become the leaders of these little groups. But they also use the not-as-attractive friends as human shields, practically screaming: "If you want me, you'll have to find matches for my band of girl-goyles."
Enter the wingman.
Selfless beings, wingmen are generally just happy to be there for you. Some wingmen even find joy in playing decoy. Guys and gals, we've all been there. You spot the one you want across the crowded room. Then, out of fear, shyness, or sheer cowardice, you can't bring yourself to walk up to the object of your affection alone. Walking up to a crowd of guys (or girls) to talk to only one of them is rarely a winning proposition.
So, you walk over with your winger.
Hell, sometimes I've been known to take a whole squadron. Sometimes, you're the winger. Whatever. You strike up a conversation. You move in. The winger covers your six. It's a beautiful thing.  And you can never predict how your mission will turn out.  Sometimes, the wingman does better than you. Sometimes the human shields are more appealing than the primary target.  Sometimes, you get shot down. Sometimes, your wingers get shot down and  you have to abort because you lost your cover. And of course, sometimes the mission is a success.
There are many who sit in the hallowed halls of flight history for acts of sheer bravery-going above and beyond the call of duty-doing the equivalent of a kamikaze. Yes, I mean taking the secondary target home.  A moment of silence for those brave, brave wingers.
Oh yeah... I almost forgot,sometimes you fly right into a heavy combat zone, where she (or he) was good (looking) from afar, but far from good. Definite mission abort. And it's not easily done with grace. My best maneuver? Pretend she was someone you thought you knew, apologize, and walk away.
But, you ask, who makes the best wingman? This is pretty simple.
A.      Ugly friends of your own. You know you have 'em. They're nice, fun, and cool, but kinda lost the lottery on looks. You love 'em to death, but you also know that they're perfect for your mission objectives. It's OK to admit you have ugly friends.
B.      Hot friends who don't know they're hot. Be careful, these are the wingers who accidentally blow you right out of the sky. I have several of these in my squadron.
C.      Married or dating people. Perfect. These people have nothing to lose. To them, flying wing is "just talking." The key here is having them save the "I have a girlfriend/ wife/ boyfriend/ husband/ lover" sentence until the very end of the conversation.
D.      Friends who just don't care. 'Nuff said.
And who makes a poor wingman?
A.      Dorks.
B.      Drunk guy. He'll crash and burn and nip your wing on his way down. You'll end the night as a smoldering heap of what used to be dignity.
C.      Boring guys. Nothing worse than having to turn around and bail out your own wingman.

As I told a friend of mine not too long ago, for all my successful missions, lost planes, and wingers who went on to bigger and better things, I'd rather be sitting in the officers' club, polishing my medals and reminiscing about when I used to fly.
Good luck to you all.

Baaahahahahahahahaha that's effin' hilarious!

[El Matador]

 Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

[S4ROB]

Chinese Torture?
 

A tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money."

[sno_duc]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
 
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
 
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I
feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house

[sno_duc]

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'   

 

-------------------------------------------   
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.   
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.   
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.   
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Coca-Cola was originally green.     
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.   
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska     
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)   
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.   
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:   

         Spades - King David
         Hearts - Charlemagne
         Clubs -Alexander, the Great
         Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.   
---------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? 
 
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?   

A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.   
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'   
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.   
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'   
--------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. 
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! 
----------------------------------------------   
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?   
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...   
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.   
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.   
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.   
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.   
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen   
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.   
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.   
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

       NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

[junior varsity]

a woman did not invent the bullet proof vest. So that one is erroneous. It was just covered on the History Channel or Discovery Channel.

[SacDuc]

a woman did not invent the bullet proof vest. So that one is erroneous. It was just covered on the History Channel or Discovery Channel.

True. But I believe it was a scorned woman that made the invention of a bullet proof vest necessary.

sac




/try the veal

[Duck-Stew]

a woman did not invent the bullet proof vest. So that one is erroneous. It was just covered on the History Channel or Discovery Channel.

Dude was from Detroit IIRC....  Kinda makes sense.

[junior varsity]

Coupla different folks worked on it. One was a monk or other church-related person. The move to Kevlar was late in the vest game. And none of the types are actually bullet proof.

[El Matador]

a woman did not invent the bullet proof vest. So that one is erroneous. It was just covered on the History Channel or Discovery Channel.

y'all beat me to it... dang it..

I was pretty skeptical about the things there, until i read the bulletproof vest thing and believed nothing 

[DucPete]

Yeah a large number of those have been found to be untrue.  Entertaining though.