DMF joke thread

[Desmostro]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming 
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________________


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace 
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, 
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the Bike in the truck to go to the track, and proceeded to back out into a 
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned 
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into 
be d.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and 
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband 
is out riding in that?'

And then the fight started ....

[Oldfisti]

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no," says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Boy Roger, sure looks like you picked up a pregnant dog tonight."

[Desmostro]

  I walked past a strip club in North Beach (san francisco) with my girlfriend on the way to a nice restaurant and the door man, who I'd never seen before, pulled that, "Hey how are ya, good seeing you again. You're early tonight though."

V funny.

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!". "No, no," says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?". His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Boy Roger, sure looks like you picked up a pregnant dog tonight."

[akmnstr]

I walked past a strip club in North Beach (san francisco) with my girlfriend on the way to a nice restaurant and the door man, who I'd never seen before, pulled that, "Hey how are ya, good seeing you again. You're early tonight though."

V funny.

So.  How did you get out of that one

[Popeye the Sailor]

I walked past a strip club in North Beach (san francisco) with my girlfriend on the way to a nice restaurant and the door man, who I'd never seen before, pulled that, "Hey how are ya, good seeing you again. You're early tonight though."

V funny.

Even if she stumbles across this, she ain't gonna believe you (and neither do we).

[Bun-bun]

Fifty one years ago, Herman James was drafted by the army.
On the first day, they issued him a comb. That afternoon, an army barber cut off all his hair.
On the second day, the issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an army dentist pulled seven of his teeth.
On the third day, they issued him a jockstrap.

The army has been looking for Herman for fifty one years!


*********************************************


I caught a ride downtown with my neighbor the other day. We get going, and come to a red light, and he whips right through it! I said "Don, that was a redlight!" He says "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time."
So we keep going, and hit another red light, and he does the same thing, plows right thru it. Cars are honking at us, and by this time, I'm wishing I just took the bus. I said " Don, you can't keep running red lights like this, you're gonna get us both killed!" He says " I told you, don't worry, my brother does it all the time."
So we come to the next light, which is green, and he stops!!! The car behind him almost plows into us, horns are honking, I said "Don, what the make the beast with two backs? Why'd you stop?" And he says "My brother might be coming the other way."

[DCXCV]

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman  he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

[Desmostro]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
 
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
   
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several ten se moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but b eing trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and st ared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
   
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[DaniD]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop until the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life

[DaniD]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!
 

[DesmoDiva]

 

[silvy1200]

 

[TiNi]

 

[Speedbag]

Joe met Suzi in a nightclub. They enjoyed each others company very much and at the end of the evening, Suzi invited Joe to her place where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe commented, "Surely you can't be ready for more?"

Suzi replied, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic and miss the days when I still had mine."

[Monsterlover]

A man marries a deaf girl.

He says, "Let's work out a code.  If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast.  Pull my dick once for yes, 32 times for no."