DMF joke thread

[TiNi]

That isn't funny.

but it's true 

[ducpainter]

but it's true 

Do I need to get out the dictionary?

They're not even synonyms.

[TiNi]

it's funnier than the sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons one... 

[Nitewaif]

Where to Retire?
 
You can retire to  ..... 

I've lived in most of these places.  The author nailed it. 

[ryandalling]

Guy walks into best buy and tells the salesman, 'i'd like to get a new game, something that will give me a real challenge.'



salesman responds 'have you tried windows vista?'

[r_ciao]

Gotta Pee.

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said..

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''


Ciao!

[krolik]

What is the difference between the hotdogs at Wrigley Field and the hotdogs at Yankee Stadium?





















You can buy a hotdog at Yankee Stadium in October.

[Rameses]

What is the difference between the hotdogs at Wrigley Field and the hotdogs at Yankee Stadium?


You can buy a hotdog at Yankee Stadium in October.

That's different from what I was thinking...


...when you buy a hotdog at Wrigley Field you don't have to eat it while surrounded by assholes!

 

[LA]

Where to Retire?

I'm from South Carolina.

First laugh out loud moment today.  But we have to combine the Deep South and Mid West. I live in the deep south and have lived in all four corners of the US.

"Where's my coat at? " That shit just makes me crazy. My wife says it ALL THE TIME.  AT?

Thanks,

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob , Mary Sue, Betty Jean , Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to the Midwest where....
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

LA  

[ducpainter]

BEWARE OF A SCAM...................
 
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.



I told them to f--- off!!
 

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
 

[Buckethead]

Where to Retire?

I'm from South Carolina.

LA 

South Carolina: Home of the worst drivers I've ever encountered. I"ve lived in Maine and dealt with MassHoles. I lived on Long Island for 2 years and dealt with "them." (7 hours to go 12 miles?! Oh, that's right, it snowed. 2 inches. There was a pileup.) Rather than be forced to adapt by the law, the law has adapted to them. Who the hell pulls into a "left turn lane" and stops to get "pulled over?" South Carolina drivers, that's who.

I moved here from Maine. My insurance tripled. Live somewhere else.

[Zaster]

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The
Same after That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal
slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[Porsche Monkey]

best condom commercial ever.  NOT WORK/KID SAFE


http://www.noob.us/humor/best-durex-condom-commercial-ever/

[r_ciao]

Happy Halloween!
Bed sheets
    
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.   He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.    In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Ciao!

[r_ciao]

Thoughts for the day...

COWS --Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track
a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right
to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls .... But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
our country.. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..

THE CONSTITUTION --They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS --The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --
you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.

Ciao!