DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

Know how you can tell if an engineer is an extrovert?



He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you instead of his.

[ducpainter]

Know how you can tell if an engineer is an extrovert?



He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you instead of his.

[Jaman]

Why are pubic hairs curly?


So you wouldn't get poked in the eye.

[zooom]

the doctors at work are really excited about the new liquid viagra getting ready to hit the market.

Now they can really pour themselves a stiff one

[Nitewaif]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.  I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[zooom]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

[zooom]

also...dug this up from an old military buddy...

The Army and the Chicken

Issue: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

TRADOC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Special Forces Command: The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Army Personnel Command: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Theater Air Control Center: We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.

[zooom]

cheesy joke from way back in the day....

A piece of string is walking down the road on a terribly hot day. He's feeling very thirsty, but the only place open is a bar with a big sign in the window saying "NO STRING ALLOWED."

He's so thirsty that he decides to try his luck and walks into the bar. The bartender immediately shouts at him "Hey, can't you read the sign? You're a piece of string, aren't you? NO STRING ALLOWED!" The bartender then grabs him and throws him out into the street.

The string is feeling pretty upset by this, but he wants a drink so badly that he comes up with an idea; He starts pulling all his threads loose at the ends, scuffs himself up by scratching against a brick wall, and then picks some of his fibers loose so that they're hanging out all over the place. Once he feels like he's roughed himself up enough, he twists himself around and ties himself up like a shoelace.

He takes a look at himself in the reflection of the window and seems satisfied, walks past the "NO STRING ALLOWED" sign, and right back up to the bar. The bartender looks over at him, and shouts again "HEY! Can't you read the sign? You're a piece of string, aren't you?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot!"

[zooom]

and here's another...

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
"$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
"Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would...if I had a pussy."

[fastwin]

Well there goes coffee through the nose again! I've got to stop reading these jokes in the morning while drinking coffee!!

[zooom]

what do you call kids born in whorehouses?

brothel sprouts!


what does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

a navel!


how do deaf people have phone sex?

by fax!


how is a sea anenome like a sealed envelope?

it isn't dumbass!....LOL

(sorry, had to throw the curveball!)

[zooom]

okay....to make up for the last 2...some cheeseriffic goodness!


What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!

[NorDog]

okay....to make up for the last 2...some cheeseriffic goodness!


What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!

Yeah, I remember middle school.

[Jobu]

the doctors at work are really excited about the new liquid viagra getting ready to hit the market.

Now they can really pour themselves a stiff one

Yea, pfizer is calling it Mydixadryll.

[zooom]

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .. .




'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'